The Swirl World

Celebrating and Elevating Black Women - mind, body, soul and spirit!


Come Wake Me Up

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I just sit in these flames,

            and pray that you’ll come back,

Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that

            I’m dreaming . . . Come wake me up.

 

 

 

The new Rascal Flatts’ CD has been in heavy rotation this week. I have very eclectic tastes in music, and my music tastes are as wide-ranging as my moods. Several of the songs are so good that I keep them on repeat while I’m driving – and for me, this repeat mode can last all day. #dontjudgeme

There’s a method to my madness: When a song is worthy of this highly concentrated repeat mode, it’s because I’m meditating on the words, extracting meanings and applications for my life, or even using the song to gauge how much I’ve advanced (or haven’t) in dealing with certain situations or emotions. Let me give you an example:

A “break up” song like Come Wake Me Up one has three cycles:

Stage 1: Tears are flowing; this song speaks the sentiments of my heart, blah, blah, blah. Pass the tissues, please.

Stage 2: I’ve passed through Stage 1, but the song is still too painful to listen to and can potentially put me back in Stage 1 if I’m not careful. *Skips the song on the CD*

Stage 3: The sound is turned up, and I’m singing along, hitting all the high notes. I’m happy as a clam because I’ve made it through the first two stages, and the fact that I’m enjoying the song lets me know that the heartbreak cycle is over.      

Today I’m adding a Stage 4: The words of the song give me a revelation.

Yes, I know the original meaning of Come Wake me Up is to convey that the singer wants his lost love to come and “wake him up” from the pain he’s experiencing at losing her. How many of us can relate to that??? The aftermath of a breakup is surreal; so much so that you sometimes want to pinch yourself and wonder if the fact that you and your S/O are no longer together has placed you in the Twilight Zone. Surely, surely you’re dreaming, and you want him or her to “come and wake you up.”

Break-ups are usually traumatic and emotionally draining, even when there’s no accompanying drama. Allowing yourself to go through a period of healthy introspection, evaluation, and release is a must. To each his own, but I don’t advocate jumping from one relationship immediately into another. Instead, face the pain. Get reacquainted with yourself. The same love that hurts is also the same love that heals. Once you direct love inward, towards you, at some point you’ll be again able to direct it outward, and hopefully this time towards someone who is worthy of that love.

 

So, let it hurt, because the good news is that you’ll find that you come to my Stage 4 epiphany, where Come Wake Me Up loses its negative connotation and becomes positive.  Come Wake Me Up is what your heart begins to sing to the  good guy out there; the one who makes himself emotionally available to give you the love that you need and deserve. The one who won’t take you for granted or abuse you, but will appreciate and cherish you. The one that you can give to without fear of exploitation, rejection, or desertion. A love that gives back. That’s the kind of love we all want. The kind of love that will come wake us up, and then say, “Come away with me.”

 

 

 

Join the fray: What area of your life need to wake up, and why?     

What Works for Me

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Seen on Twitter:

I want a relationship that works, or I don’t want one at all. The alternative is much too painful.

 A tiny Tweet, yet it speaks volumes. I’m pretty sure most of us not only concur, we can relate. It’s a simple concept; after all, who doesn’t want a relationship that works? Unfortunately, problems creep into our relationships because oftentimes we hold different ideas regarding what “works.”  A happy medium can be hard to achieve if one party in the relationship doesn’t understand that the best way to receive is to give. Having a relationship that “works” also doesn’t mean that we get to have our way at our partner’s expense. The goal of any compromise should be win-win, not win at all costs.

I’ve also found out the hard way that developing a relationship that works isn’t achieved simply because each person defined their boundaries and limitations, or established must-haves. It also isn’t achieved because we drew lines in the sand regarding those behaviors and situations we designated as deal breakers. For instance, what if one person decides (for whatever reason) to totally disregard everything you both spent time and energy to carefully create? It’s like using “time out” as a disciplinary tactic in child rearing: What happens if your kid decides he won’t go in time out?

Time out? Make me . . . .

I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to have a relationship that works, both persons have to be what they want in the relationship. Here’s a primer:

  • Be honest. That means be truthful – not only in what you say, but in who you are. My personal philosophy for entering a relationship is “what you see is what you get.” No pretending, no sugarcoating – I am who I am and it is what it is. I do this to assure you that you’re not meeting Dr. Jekyll, only to have Mr. Hyde show up later.
  • Be smart. In this instance, I’m not saying you have to be a Rhodes Scholar (though having a brain – and knowing how to use it – really helps. Just being honest). Being smart also means that even though you recognize and accept you imperfections, you’re smart enough to not use them as excuses for dumb behavior.
  • Be a team player. Even though that expression is tired and worn, the concept isn’t. Team players have enough sense to know what to do to get along with someone, namely, me. You + Me = Team Us. That means we both do what it takes to sink the basket, score the touchdown, make the goal, make the birdie or an eagle, roll a strike, and land a 20 pound bass. A striped one.
  • Be a lover. Wait, I’m not talking about that kind of lover  . . . (well, on second thought, I am; it’s just that I’m not talking about that right now. This page is rated PG-13, and I have to keep it on the level that my Mother can read it. Stop trying to confuse me. Ahem. Cough).
  • Be a lover. Be willing to love me the way I want to be loved. Please speak my love language,  because I promise I’ll speak yours. There’s no need to complain about our differences; instead, let’s make it a point to celebrate them. You being from Mars and me hailing from Venus is a good thing.     
  • Be fair. Don’t take my kindness for weakness, or try to use it to your advantage. I don’t know how to give less than 100%, so when I’m in, I’m in. Don’t allow me to keep giving 100% when you know you intend to only give 30%, or when you know my 100% is no longer what you want.                                                                                   Insert —–>Just man up and tell me<—— here.
  • Be a promise keeper. I cannot stress this one enough. If this seems like a no brainer, then let me introduce you to the scores of people who have found themselves on the receiving end of broken promises (sadly, ASwirlGirl would be included in that score). One of the best ways you can ensure you keep your promises is to be very judicious in making them. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed, strong armed, cajoled, or otherwise persuaded into making promises, and in like manner, don’t use these tactics to extract them. If you happen to learn that you will have to break a promise you made, then be big enough to say so. Articulate. Communicate. Talk, for goodness sakes.  In other words, Just man up and tell me.  Trust me, any disappointment you think I will feel will certainly be offset by your honesty.  

I’ve taken a lighthearted approach to this relationship business, but I dare not overlook the seriousness of the portion of the statement that said “the alternative is much too painful.” Yes. Being lied to is painful. Trying to deal with someone who refuses to push himself creatively or intellectually is painful.  Sustaining a relationship with someone who believes there is an “I” in TEAM is painful. Enduring willful, deliberate acts of unfairness is painful. Recovering from the hurt stemming from broken promises with no reason why IS. PAINFUL.   

I believe life is meant to be shared with family and friends. Being in a relationship with a special someone as you make life’s journey is even better. Most of us want to be with someone who agrees on, lives up to, and shares in the physical, spiritual, and emotional investment required for the journey. Someone who knows and understands that we each need to be that person to the best of our ability. Someone who doesn’t expect us to get it right every time yet appreciates the fact that we’re going to try. Someone who will give what they want to get. That’s what works for me.     

 

Join in the fray: Tell me, what “works” for you?   

It’s a Wrap! (and, It’s an Update)

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Whew! Last night I finally submitted my dissertation proposal for general review. I have to get pre-approval from the board of reviewers at my school before they forward it to the Institutional Review Board (IRB). I won’t bore you with the details, but I will say that the submission represents a huge milestone in my quest to earn a PhD. They may kick it back for one minute reason or the other, but I don’t expect any major objections. Update to follow when I hear back . . . . 

And speaking of updates, a little more than year has passed since I blogged regularly. (Thanks to all of you who called, texted, emailed, Tweeted, or Facebooked me to check on me; I appreciate the love!).  

In 2011 I semi-moved back to Louisiana, made it through my comprehensive exams, nurtured both my parents through multiple hospital stays, made it “through the water and through the flames,” and reinvented myself yet again. Needless to say, all of that took time and energy away from blogging. I’m happy to report that I’m back  with a vengeance! I’m ready to once again share my musings on life, love, swirling, diversity, and everything in-between. I love working out and I’m trying to eat healthier, so I’ll also share those experiences as I dabble into the vegetarian/vegan/raw foods lifestyle.  (Notice I said “dabble.” Seafood will always be on the menu, and I refuse to kill the carnivore residing in me. Just sayin’).  

Anyway, my fellow Swirlers, stay tuned for rants, raves, and craves. I live life out loud! This Swirl Girl is traveling through the swirl world and loving every minute of it. 

 Until my next post, enjoy this dark little ditty by the awesome Justin Nozuka. Feel free to share your “water and flames” moments. 

 

Guess Who’s Back????

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Me!

Update to follow . . . stay tuned!

Love Never Fails

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Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV)

The prayers, words of encouragement, and affirmations have been pouring in, and I just want to take a moment to say “Thank you!” I am in the throes of this difficult exam but I am determined to stay the course. Passing this exam is the last major hurdle before moving on into the steps for preparing and writing my dissertation – I’ve come too far and through too much to stop now!

I was just whispering a brief prayer of thanksgiving for the love I am blessed to have in my life, and then the song Tell Him by Colbie Caillat popped on in my iPod. This song was written by Lauryn Hill and for those of you who don’t know; it is a take on a passage in the Bible from 1 Corinthians 13, which is also known as “The Love Chapter.”

A portion of the passage is provided above, but here are some highlights from Lauryn’s song:

Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I’ll envy it not
And endure what comes . . .

Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin’ at all
I can give away everything I possess
But am without love then I have no happiness
I know I’m imperfect
and not without sin
But now that I’m older all childish things end

I’ll never be jealous
And I won’t be too proud
Cause love is not boastful
And love is not loud

Now I may have wisdom and knowledge on Earth
But if I speak wrong then what is it worth?

To me, so much of what 1 Corinthians 13 says speaks to relationships.  Of course when we think of “relationship” we often think of our S/O, and it certainly applies. But this passage (and song) is so much broader than that – it speaks to our relationships with people: how we interact with them and how we treat them. This love thing is a two-way street, and everyone in the equation is tasked with the responsibility of making sure they love each other right. And you know what? That “rightness” means not focusing so much on what you do to me and how you love me, but how I love YOU.

Focusing on how I love you gives me the ability to first realize and recognize my imperfections, and that I need love and tolerance just as much as you do. Next, focusing on how I love you enables me to do what the passage says: Be patient, be kind; not boastful or proud. It helps me to not dishonor or mistreat someone – and if I am mistreated, to not keep a record of the wrong that has been done to me, but to forgive and let it go. It helps me to always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.

In other words, it helps my love to never fail.

When SM and I made the big decision to date exclusively with the intent of marriage, we both had to take a long, hard look at the potential impact our relationship might project on our family and friends. Yes, the decision was ours to make, but we had to be realistic and decide if we cared enough to continue loving each other in spite of any obstacles we faced. I remember telling SM that the only person who could change the way I felt about him – was him. When I love, I love. Period. The end. (And yes, he made the same affirmation to me).

I believe if more couples approach their relationship armed with a “my love will never fail” mentality, they would be able to withstand any storm life sends their way.

[Sidebar: Ahhh . . . so much for my not engaging in any “heavy thinking!”]

*_*

Here are three versions of the song for you to enjoy!      

 

(Watch for a glimpse of Michelle-O in this one!)

 

 

Join in the fray:

Who/what is your “unfailing love?”

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful

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I was working on a paper the other day and channel-surfed to find the perfect background show. You know the kind I mean: The “mindless” program you leave running in the background while you do something that really uses your brain.

[Side note: I also listen to my favorite Pandora station at the same time. What can I say? I’m a multi-tasker to the nth degree.]

I landed on America’s Next Top Model (I have no idea what season) and decided to leave it there (that’s the only way I get to “see” it). I generally look up during the last 10 minutes or so of every program to give myself a break (and to watch the elimination – of course!).

Turns out I was on one of the final episodes where the remaining contestants had to do their Cover Girl commercials. They had a couple of scenarios to work with, but the bottom line was how well they could work the scenario and say, “Easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Girl.”   

You have to ask yourself, How hard is that??? Surprisingly, it was very hard for some.

I sat there shaking my head and chuckling, when suddenly my mind wandered and I thought about SM. (I admit that my mind wanders in his direction most of the time – but I digress).

I thought about a trip we’d taken to Hilton Head to catch some beach and some sun. He had pounded on my door one morning at what seemed like the crack of dawn, Starbucks cup in hand.


[Side note: I have to digress here. This is a man who wherever we go, always locates the nearest Starbucks because he knows how much I love an extra hot caramel macchiato. I could go on and tell you that he also knows my exact recipe, but why bore you with those details? Suffice it to say that SM is a good man, and I know I’m blessed to have him in my life. I have a funny story about SM, me, and an empty Starbucks cup, but I’ll save it for another blog. *LOL* just thinking about it!]  

The sun was coming up, and SM wanted us to watch the sunrise together. It was nippy that time of morning, but he pulled the heavy comforter off my bed and wrapped us in it as we sat on the terrace facing the beach. Needless to say, it was a beautiful and glorious sight – and tears came to my eyes as I sat, months later, remembering that very special time.

It was warm enough a few hours later for us to walk along the edge of the beach and enjoy the feel of the sun on our faces and the sand between our toes. We laughed, talked, and held hands – an easy, breezy, beautiful summer morning.

I’m getting misty-eyed again recollecting that, because It occurs to me that just as we’d think it should be easy for a wanna-be model to say “Easy, breezy, beautiful” – it isn’t – and you know what? Relationships are the same way.

As I mature and grow in my relationship, I realize that every day is not easy, breezy, and beautiful. Life happens. Too much humidity? The “hair” of your relationship gets frizzy. The pressures of life can feel like sweltering heat – and all you want to do is escape. Sand gets in your eyes, and you cry. Cry hard enough, and you melt away your make up . . . and even if you cry just a little your mascara may run and you still wind up looking like a distant cousin to a raccoon.

We suffer setbacks and seeming reversals of fortune. We get the wind knocked out of us and we have to find a way to pick ourselves up. We misunderstand and get things wrong. We get hurt; we hurt others. We get offended; we offend each other.

I look at couples like my parents and others, married for 40, 50, and even 60-plus years, and ask them the secret of their longevity. They tell me traditional wedding vows they took covered those not so easy, not so breezy, and not so beautiful days. “Better . . . worse . . . Richer . . . poorer . . . sickness . . . health,” they said. On those not so beautiful days, and during those not so beautiful times, they determined that, in spite of it all, they would dig their heels in and remember their investment of time, and emotion. They chose to love him . . . love her. They let the fierce winds blow, and they allowed the rain to pummel them, but they didn’t let go.

Sitting here now, I think back on that episode of America’s Next Top Model and I celebrate. I celebrate relationships, and above all, I celebrate love.  

I muse on life, reminisce about that wonderful summer morning, and I smile.

“An investment in the emotional bank account,” is what SM called it.

I realize that the easy, breezy, beautiful days lay the foundation for the days and times ahead, and I smile. Easy, breezy, beautiful. It’s the stuff that my dreams now are made of.

Join in the fray:

How do you define “easy, breezy, and beautiful?”

From the Mailbag . . . LDR Tips

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I recently received this question about LDR’s (long distance relationships) via e-mail:

Hello! I  have a question. I am dealing with someone seriously. Of course she is long distance LOL!! However it’s been about 3 or 4 months now. I’m getting tired of the LD thing. I want her close! My question: What are you guys doing to maintain your relationship considering it is LD also?

My response:

Hey Reader,

Thanks so much for your question.

I have to admit that besides the distance, the corresponding major bummer about LD relationships is the fact that they are EXPENSIVE. When SM and I started dating we committed to trying to see each other at least once a month. However, with our work schedules it averaged to about once every 3 – 4 weeks.

I know that may be financially beyond the reach of most people but we still had to maintain the relationship in-between trips. So, we IM’d practically every day when I was at work, did the web cam thing at least once/twice a week in the evenings (as time/schedules/school permitted), texted each other frequently, and also did our best to talk on the phone at least once a day – even if it was only for 5 – 10 minutes. We figured out our own rhythm – it was easier for him to call me on his way to work in the AM; it was easier for me to call him when I went to lunch or was driving to class.

I’d say the main thing that keeps things together is COMMITMENT, FLEXIBILITY, and TRUST. We are committed to our relationship and making things work, so we are both willing to make any necessary sacrifices. That’s where flexibility comes in – sometimes his case load is extra heavy or he has hard deadlines, so I know I have to be content with a text message or quick IM versus a full-fledged phone call. He has to do the same; when my school schedule is poppin’ and I have a major assignment due, he contents himself with IM’s when I take a break, or texting (and maybe a quick convo when I make a Starbucks run). Trust comes into play when we simply believe each other when we say we’re doing whatever it is we’re doing – and we know each other’s schedules so well we don’t even concern ourselves with the thought that any hanky panky is going on.

Another thing we do (it may seem corny, but it’s really fun and we enjoy it) is take pictures on our cell phones of different things and send them to each other. It can range from anything like the rain falling outside, to a pizza slice, or a meal one of us has cooked that day. We also send each other e-mail links to articles we think the other may be interested in. Another thing we did was each get a subscription to Hallmark and American Greetings online so that we could send each other e-cards.

I personally think that LD relationships can be stronger than in-town relationships simply because you have to work harder at them – so you don’t take each other for granted. I also think it makes you more creative, and you think of ways of sharing your life with the other person simply because they are not right there.

Hope this helps!

Join in the fray:

Long distance relationships – a go or a no?

The Hair Thing (Part 2)

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So in my last blog I discussed the cultural differences in men’s preferences in sporting facial hair. In American Men and Identity: Contemporary African-American and Latino Style López-Gydosh and Hancock (2009) stress the importance of hair, beards, and mustaches to men in both African American and Latino cultures. SM was willing to grow a mustache and beard to let me see what he looked like (GOR-GEOUS!!!!). He didn’t mind growing it, but beards and mustaches are not conducive to his professional environment. Even though I totally understood, I was a little bummed that he’d have to cut his beard at a moment’s notice.

Once I began investigating and recognizing the intrinsic influence culture wields on an individual’s thinking and preferences, I better understood why I thought a man’s facial hair made him more desirable or even sexy. Lesson learned. SM and I are now more attuned to what we call “culturalisms.” We’re having fun learning even more about each other (and ourselves) as we discover and identify the culturalisms that influence our thinking.

So, on to the million-dollar question:

What does SM think of my hair???

Well, fortunately for SM (and me) I have no facial hair!

[Sidebar: I am FDLOL! Come on, you should have known that was coming! Corny? Of course!]

For those readers who may be unaware, natural hair is undergoing a renaissance among Black women. A Black woman’s hair is considered “natural” when she adds no chemicals to change the texture. In other words, she leaves it the way it grows out of her scalp  – be it fine, thick, kinky, coiled, curly, dense – you name it. Generally speaking, White women use a “perm” to make their straight hair curly. Conversely, Black women use a “perm” to make their curly or kinky hair straight.

Now, when it comes to a Black woman, wearing your hair natural doesn’t necessarily mean you have to sport an afro. Au contraire! Those same fine, thick, kinky, coiled, curly, dense textures provide us a vast range of hair styles we can wear based on an equally vast range of styling techniques. Braid-outs, twist-outs, knot-outs, puffs, coils, curls, and locs abound – and those are just a FEW of the available styles!

In other words, I can wear my fine, naturally curly, shoulder length hair blown out and flat-ironed one day, and in a curly twist-out the next day. When I asked SM what he liked and even preferred, he said,

“Oh, I like your hair straight, but I really like your hair curly.”

[Sidebar: Yes, he put special emphasis on the “really.”]

SM smirking

SM not only likes the way it looks, more important, he says he likes the way I act and seem to feel when I wear my hair in its natural, curly state. He says that I seem more relaxed and carefree. He says he also notices changes in my clothes, jewelry, and makeup.

[Really???]

According to SM, when I wear my hair curly I also use very minimal makeup (except for bright lipstick) and wear brighter colored clothing coupled with bolder, funkier pieces of jewelry.

“When your hair is curly you have more ‘swag,’” he says. “And I LOVE it!”

[More “swag?” Really????]

I thought about what he said, and came to the conclusion that he’s right. I know I have a more “take me as I am” attitude when I’m in my natural, curly glory. (And it helps that I don’t have to worry about the humidity level or whether it’s raining outside – the more moisture in the air, the curlier I get).  Wearing my hair curly also makes me feel a bit more “Afrocentirc,” if you will, hence the bolder, funkier jewelry and brighter colors. Is this a result of cultural influences? Perhaps. I think mainly it’s more a sense of feeling freer to be myself and express my personality.

I also believe when I say “more Afrocentric” what I really mean is more “me-centric.” Hence, what I learned from the whole Part 1/Part 2 hair thing is that SM and I each enjoy each other’s looks in surprising ways and for different reasons. Ultimately, we support each other in the expression of our cultures and who we are individually, whether we’re mustached or clean-shaven, straight or curly. Our hair thing works in our favor – and that’s what counts.

Reference

López-Gydosh, D., & Hancock, J. (2009). American men and identity: Contemporary African-American and Latino style. The Journal of American Culture, 32(1), 16+. Retrieved from Questia database: http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5035416077

Join in the fray:

Curly or straight? Tell me about your hairy situation!

The Hair Thing (Part 1)

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shareasimageBEARD

I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong.

This isn’t about my hair; it’s about his. More specifically, his facial hair – or, in his case, the lack thereof.

It all started very early on during our “getting to know you” phase. One of my friends had sent one of those chain-letter-like e-mails where you read the sender’s responses to a series of questions about his/her tastes and preferences.

After reading the responses you erase them, fill in your own, and then return to send and forward to another friend who, like you, gets a ton of these chain-letter-like e-mails and probably finds them as annoying as you do.

(These e-mails annoy me but I vacillate between deleting them without even reading, or getting an evil pleasure out of filling ‘em out and clicking “forward” to my friends . . . .

Anyway, I thought this would be a good time to click forward . . . directly to SM. I put a spin on it: We’d answer them individually and then go over the responses together.

[Sidebar to the men: Was this a dorky thing to subject a guy to, an e-mail that probably made SM think “Shoot me – NOW!” when it landed in his inbox? Of course! Lucky for me, SM is an easy-going guy and finds humor in almost anything – including humoring me. Am I equally as easy-going and do I humor him? Of course! Do I know how blessed and fortunate I am to have him? Of course! I. Know. That. Did you even have to ask???]

Back to my original point: One of the questions was:

Rank in order of preference: (1) Beard. (2) Mustache. (3) Neither! Ewww!

My response:

(1)    Beard. (2) Mustache. (3) Neither! Ewww!

When we got to this question, SM said, “Really???”

“Of course! I think beards are sexy” I said. “Have you ever worn one?”

“Yeah – when I was in college. I think a lot of guys went through that experimental mustache/beard/facial hair stage. I even let my hair grow long.”

I tried to imagine my squeaky-clean-close-shaven SM with a beard and a pony tail. Couldn’t do it.

Instead, I asked, “What do you think about it now? A beard, I mean.”

“Oh, Sure! I’ll grow one so you can see what I look like.”

I grinned at the prospect. SM is already a hunky piece of eye candy, and with a beard?

Somebody better call God – ‘cause He’s missing an angel.

If being gorgeous was a crime, SM would be guilty as charged.

If SM were words on a page, he would be what they call The Fine Print.

If SM . . . No need for E.L.M.O. You get the point. (cheezin)

“Of course, if I have to meet with a client, then the beard comes off.”

SCREECH!

“Huh? Wha?” I asked. “Why???”

“In my line of work it’s just not done. My clients are ultra-conservative so a beard is not a good look.”

I understood, but I was crushed.

I read an article that stated that well over 90% of African American and Hispanic men wear some form of facial hair, be it a mustache or beard. However, Caucasian men fall in the opposite end of the spectrum with less than 10% sporting facial hair – and Asian men even less.

I’m intrigued. Wearing facial hair (or not wearing it) is obviously a cultural thing – but why?

I had to look at the concept of culture a bit more closely.

Hallett states that culture is inclusive of “espoused beliefs, ideologies, stories, myths, rituals, ceremonies, and artifacts.” Nietzsche defines culture as “the unified artistic style in all of the life expressions of a people.”

Other aspects of the definition of culture may be applied to cultures such as those found in Africa. In his landmark book, Non-Western Educational Traditions: Indigenous Approaches to Educational Thought and Practice, Reagan states that culture is “an inextricable and essential component” of an individual’s identity, and the corresponding societal fabric.

So, if all these high-falutin’ definitions are accurate (and I believe they are – they definitely make sense) SM’s not wearing facial hair is just as integral to him as my two brothers’ mustaches are to them.

Realizing that something as small and innocuous as a beard or mustache made a huge statement about ethnic culture was revelatory to me, and I’m so glad it happened in the early stages of our relationship. It caused us to examine each other a bit more closely and not take even the most superficial things for granted, thus enabling us to appreciate each other so much more.

Yes, SM is uber-hawt in a beard (Is it hot in here, or is it just me looking at SM in his beard?). As a matter of fact, he’s uber-hawt with or without one – and I get to drown in all that hawtness either way.

And me? I just got another chain-letter-like e-mail, and I’m forwarding it to SM . . . .

 

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(1) Beard. (2) Mustache. (3) Neither?

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Do You Believe in Magic?

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If you believe in magic, come along with me
We’ll dance until morning ’til there’s just you and me
And maybe, if the music is right
I’ll meet you tomorrow, sort of late at night
And we’ll go dancing, baby, then you’ll see
How the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me . . . .

~John Sebastian of The Lovin’ Spoonful

This past weekend I had the occasion to participate in a girl’s weekend with a couple of good friends (I’ll call them *Shay and *Rochelle). We commiserated on life, love, and relationships all within the context of growing older and wiser.

Our discussion of relationships was a big part of the conversation.

“Do you believe in soul mates?” Rochelle asked.

She and Shay had already discussed the concept but she wanted my take on the matter.

“Define ‘soul mate’” I said cautiously. “I just want to be sure we’re on the same page.”

Rochelle went on to ask, “Do you believe that in this entire world, with all the people in it, that there is one person who is totally and completely right for you? Not that you and he would have never not have any problems if you got together, because some things are just a part of life – but do you believe that out of all the people in the world, you’re supposed to be with him and he’s supposed to be with you – and that’s what makes him your soul mate?”

This definition was pretty much what I’d expected. Of course I’ve had this conversation dozens of times over the course of my life, and I marveled at the difference in what I believed when I was a mere girl in high school and college, and what I believed now as a widow with some major life drama and trauma under her belt.

“I have to say , no, I don’t believe there’s only one person for you in the whole wide world, and that if you don’t marry him or her then you haven’t married your soul mate “ I said. “I believe, of course, that some people make better marriage partners than others. Even so, given enough time, mutual willingness, and desire, I believe that two people can become soul mates.

I thought some more. “Maybe I’m too pragmatic but I see relationship building as more practical than magical.”

Rochelle gave me great food for thought. She stated that her concept of soul mates is predicated on a principle of “good, better, best.” In other words, a certain man would be good for you; another one would be better, and yet another would be best – and that the best was more than likely your soul mate.

Shay, Rochelle and I kicked around a variety of scenarios, swapped stories regarding people we knew who appeared to be soul mates, and also discussed potential what ifs. When the conversation was all said and done we pretty much agreed that love rests on choices – whether you feel a sense of “magic” or not.

The choice begins with whom you elect to date, and why. I dare say a woman who is unhappy with her present state of circumstances and driven by desperation will make different relationship choices than one who is content with her life and prepared to wait until she finds what she deems suitable companionship.

“Suitable companionship” is subjective on a variety of levels; what is scorned by some is embraced by others. Some believe those who enter the realm of interracial dating fall into the “desperate” category while others classify swirlers as simply being people who are a bit more open-minded in the relationship department.

Whether desperate or content; open or closed-minded; idealistic or pessimistic, I believe that on some level we all believe in the magic of love. By “magic of love” I mean the belief that we will meet and find someone we will love and who will love us back; someone we will be true to and who will be true to us.

We keep hope alive that we will find the person we are willing to be there for in good times and bad, healthy or otherwise; and who will be there for us in the same way. Regardless of the exterior package he or she is wrapped in, that person will be someone with whom we can build a lasting relationship, and with whom we can live our best life.

Yes, I believe in magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o89iKsKw19M

*Names changed to protect the guilty

Join in the fray:

Do you believe in magic?