The Swirl World

Celebrating and Elevating Black Women - mind, body, soul and spirit!


Archives for March 2011

The Hair Thing (Part 1)

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shareasimageBEARD

I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong.

This isn’t about my hair; it’s about his. More specifically, his facial hair – or, in his case, the lack thereof.

It all started very early on during our “getting to know you” phase. One of my friends had sent one of those chain-letter-like e-mails where you read the sender’s responses to a series of questions about his/her tastes and preferences.

After reading the responses you erase them, fill in your own, and then return to send and forward to another friend who, like you, gets a ton of these chain-letter-like e-mails and probably finds them as annoying as you do.

(These e-mails annoy me but I vacillate between deleting them without even reading, or getting an evil pleasure out of filling ‘em out and clicking “forward” to my friends . . . .

Anyway, I thought this would be a good time to click forward . . . directly to SM. I put a spin on it: We’d answer them individually and then go over the responses together.

[Sidebar to the men: Was this a dorky thing to subject a guy to, an e-mail that probably made SM think “Shoot me – NOW!” when it landed in his inbox? Of course! Lucky for me, SM is an easy-going guy and finds humor in almost anything – including humoring me. Am I equally as easy-going and do I humor him? Of course! Do I know how blessed and fortunate I am to have him? Of course! I. Know. That. Did you even have to ask???]

Back to my original point: One of the questions was:

Rank in order of preference: (1) Beard. (2) Mustache. (3) Neither! Ewww!

My response:

(1)    Beard. (2) Mustache. (3) Neither! Ewww!

When we got to this question, SM said, “Really???”

“Of course! I think beards are sexy” I said. “Have you ever worn one?”

“Yeah – when I was in college. I think a lot of guys went through that experimental mustache/beard/facial hair stage. I even let my hair grow long.”

I tried to imagine my squeaky-clean-close-shaven SM with a beard and a pony tail. Couldn’t do it.

Instead, I asked, “What do you think about it now? A beard, I mean.”

“Oh, Sure! I’ll grow one so you can see what I look like.”

I grinned at the prospect. SM is already a hunky piece of eye candy, and with a beard?

Somebody better call God – ‘cause He’s missing an angel.

If being gorgeous was a crime, SM would be guilty as charged.

If SM were words on a page, he would be what they call The Fine Print.

If SM . . . No need for E.L.M.O. You get the point. (cheezin)

“Of course, if I have to meet with a client, then the beard comes off.”

SCREECH!

“Huh? Wha?” I asked. “Why???”

“In my line of work it’s just not done. My clients are ultra-conservative so a beard is not a good look.”

I understood, but I was crushed.

I read an article that stated that well over 90% of African American and Hispanic men wear some form of facial hair, be it a mustache or beard. However, Caucasian men fall in the opposite end of the spectrum with less than 10% sporting facial hair – and Asian men even less.

I’m intrigued. Wearing facial hair (or not wearing it) is obviously a cultural thing – but why?

I had to look at the concept of culture a bit more closely.

Hallett states that culture is inclusive of “espoused beliefs, ideologies, stories, myths, rituals, ceremonies, and artifacts.” Nietzsche defines culture as “the unified artistic style in all of the life expressions of a people.”

Other aspects of the definition of culture may be applied to cultures such as those found in Africa. In his landmark book, Non-Western Educational Traditions: Indigenous Approaches to Educational Thought and Practice, Reagan states that culture is “an inextricable and essential component” of an individual’s identity, and the corresponding societal fabric.

So, if all these high-falutin’ definitions are accurate (and I believe they are – they definitely make sense) SM’s not wearing facial hair is just as integral to him as my two brothers’ mustaches are to them.

Realizing that something as small and innocuous as a beard or mustache made a huge statement about ethnic culture was revelatory to me, and I’m so glad it happened in the early stages of our relationship. It caused us to examine each other a bit more closely and not take even the most superficial things for granted, thus enabling us to appreciate each other so much more.

Yes, SM is uber-hawt in a beard (Is it hot in here, or is it just me looking at SM in his beard?). As a matter of fact, he’s uber-hawt with or without one – and I get to drown in all that hawtness either way.

And me? I just got another chain-letter-like e-mail, and I’m forwarding it to SM . . . .

 

Join in the fray:

(1) Beard. (2) Mustache. (3) Neither?

Copyright © 2011, © 2015 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, The Swirl World Podcast™,  All rights reserved. Photo property of The Swirl World™.

Do You Believe in Magic?

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shareasimageCouple

If you believe in magic, come along with me
We’ll dance until morning ’til there’s just you and me
And maybe, if the music is right
I’ll meet you tomorrow, sort of late at night
And we’ll go dancing, baby, then you’ll see
How the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me . . . .

~John Sebastian of The Lovin’ Spoonful

This past weekend I had the occasion to participate in a girl’s weekend with a couple of good friends (I’ll call them *Shay and *Rochelle). We commiserated on life, love, and relationships all within the context of growing older and wiser.

Our discussion of relationships was a big part of the conversation.

“Do you believe in soul mates?” Rochelle asked.

She and Shay had already discussed the concept but she wanted my take on the matter.

“Define ‘soul mate’” I said cautiously. “I just want to be sure we’re on the same page.”

Rochelle went on to ask, “Do you believe that in this entire world, with all the people in it, that there is one person who is totally and completely right for you? Not that you and he would have never not have any problems if you got together, because some things are just a part of life – but do you believe that out of all the people in the world, you’re supposed to be with him and he’s supposed to be with you – and that’s what makes him your soul mate?”

This definition was pretty much what I’d expected. Of course I’ve had this conversation dozens of times over the course of my life, and I marveled at the difference in what I believed when I was a mere girl in high school and college, and what I believed now as a widow with some major life drama and trauma under her belt.

“I have to say , no, I don’t believe there’s only one person for you in the whole wide world, and that if you don’t marry him or her then you haven’t married your soul mate “ I said. “I believe, of course, that some people make better marriage partners than others. Even so, given enough time, mutual willingness, and desire, I believe that two people can become soul mates.

I thought some more. “Maybe I’m too pragmatic but I see relationship building as more practical than magical.”

Rochelle gave me great food for thought. She stated that her concept of soul mates is predicated on a principle of “good, better, best.” In other words, a certain man would be good for you; another one would be better, and yet another would be best – and that the best was more than likely your soul mate.

Shay, Rochelle and I kicked around a variety of scenarios, swapped stories regarding people we knew who appeared to be soul mates, and also discussed potential what ifs. When the conversation was all said and done we pretty much agreed that love rests on choices – whether you feel a sense of “magic” or not.

The choice begins with whom you elect to date, and why. I dare say a woman who is unhappy with her present state of circumstances and driven by desperation will make different relationship choices than one who is content with her life and prepared to wait until she finds what she deems suitable companionship.

“Suitable companionship” is subjective on a variety of levels; what is scorned by some is embraced by others. Some believe those who enter the realm of interracial dating fall into the “desperate” category while others classify swirlers as simply being people who are a bit more open-minded in the relationship department.

Whether desperate or content; open or closed-minded; idealistic or pessimistic, I believe that on some level we all believe in the magic of love. By “magic of love” I mean the belief that we will meet and find someone we will love and who will love us back; someone we will be true to and who will be true to us.

We keep hope alive that we will find the person we are willing to be there for in good times and bad, healthy or otherwise; and who will be there for us in the same way. Regardless of the exterior package he or she is wrapped in, that person will be someone with whom we can build a lasting relationship, and with whom we can live our best life.

Yes, I believe in magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o89iKsKw19M

*Names changed to protect the guilty

Join in the fray:

Do you believe in magic?

Conversation 101

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Venus (very wistfully): “Don’t you miss me?”

Mars (very practically): “Oh, sure. But I’m going to see you in two weeks, so what’s the big deal? I don’t want to focus on missing you and then get all down in the dumps and depressed. And, you’ll be here in two weeks, so . . . “(verbal shrug)

Venus (a tad bit whiney; giving him a chance to redeem himself): “Well I know that, but . . . .  “

Mars (puzzled and clueless; totally not getting it): “Well, ok then? But what?”

Venus (very clipped, cold tone): “But nothing. Fine.”

Mars (recognizing that things are now not fine but wondering how and why): “Huh?”

[Sidebar: Why is Mars so totally clueless??? Why can’t he read between the lines? Why does Venus have to spell everything out to him???]

*_*

Deep breath.

Now, it goes without saying that here on planet Venus, Mars’ practical thought patterns and speech has at least 50 things wrong with it, but I’ll tickle-me-E.L.M.O. and spare you.

I know that some counselors and psychologists dispute or even reject the Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus philosophy, but I believe in it. Very strongly.

SM is from Mars.

My wonderful, darling, upbeat, positive, big-picture-seeing, positive-thinking, “I’m-ok-it’s-ok-yes-I-miss-you-but-I’m-not-sweating-it-because-I’ll-see-you-in-two-weeks-and-I’m-clueless-anyway-so-I-don’t-understand-your-need-to-hear-that-I-miss-you fiancé. Gotta love him.

I’m definitely from Venus.

His wonderful, darling, upbeat, positive, see-the-romance-in-everything, positive-thinking, “I-know-we’ll-see-each-other-in-two-weeks-you-big-jerk-I-just-want-you-to-tell-me-you-miss-me-and-whisper-sweet-nothings-in-my-ear-and-I’m-embarassed-because-I-want-that-from-you-and-disappointed-that-I’m-not-getting-it-and-wish-you-would-GET-A-CLUE fiancée. Gotta love me. (cheezin).

[Sidebar: How is it that when it comes to Mars’ and Venus’ conversations such disconnect exists between what Mars doesn’t hear even when Venus doesn’t say it? Is it that hard? Really??]

Though that particular conversation ended there, Mars and Venus kept talking. Many conversations and recriminations later, Mars and Venus both got a clue and arrived at a better understanding of each other’s thought processes.

Venus now understands that Mars isn’t a mind reader and can’t really know what she wants until/unless she articulates better, so she’s working on that. She’s learning that it’s ok to ask for what she wants, and that it’s really unfair to expect Mars to “just know” what she wants and needs. Venus is also learning that directness and practicalities have their place – even in conversation – and that she shouldn’t take it personally when Mars can’t see the romantic forest because he’s being practical and looking at the trees.

And Mars? He is now looking online for mind-reading classes and just picked up a book entitled How to Get a Clue: 10 Things Men Better Learn about Women. Gotta love him!

Join in the fray:

Are you Camp Mars – or Camp Venus?

A Dog’s Life

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Hello everybody! Last week MiMi finally mentioned me. I know she did, because I’ve been keeping up. She’s talked about her friend Zee and some guys she went to college with, and she’s talked incessantly about her SM *_*

(When you see me go *_* it means I’m either rolling my eyes or giving you a blank stare).

MiMi talked about all of them, but had yet to mention me. My name is Nibbles, and until SM came along I was probably the most important guy in her life. (Well, other than her Dad. Or her brothers. Or her roommate/godchild, my Uncle Gus). It’s not enough for her to get engaged to SM – no, she has to write about him every week. *_*

Well, since MiMi finally decided to at least mention me, I decided it’s time for me to tell my side of the story. (By the way, her name is A Swirl Girl to you, but she’s MiMi to me. A dog’s gotta have something. Get over it.)

As I said, my name is Nibbles. I’m MiMi’s little Shih Tzu puppy. (I’ll be eight years old in November so technically I’m a dog, but MiMi tells everybody I’m just a “little bitty baby.” I would have a problem with that, but it helps her defend me when I get in trouble with Uncle Gus, or when I’m being deliberately rude and bark at SM. *_*

Here’s a picture of me:

Like I said, I was the light of her life until SM came along. Let me tell you about THAT:

We were at home and life was fine. It was just MiMi, Uncle Gus, and me when all of a sudden I noticed that MiMi was on the phone a whole lot. I mean, a whole lot. A WHOLE LOT. You see, MiMi is in school and she rarely has time to talk a whole lot to anyone other than Nana and Pop and Uncle Gus and her BFF Auntie Jacque and Auntie K and sometimes her friends Karen and Zee, but all of a sudden she was talking to this SM character A WHOLE LOT. I don’t even know when she met him, but suddenly she was talking to him ALL THE TIME – sometimes really late at night when she should have been doing her homework. I really didn’t like it because when they talked he would make her laugh really LOUD – so loud that she would wake me up and scare me! I mean, what guy is THAT funny? I hear that girls really like guys who make them laugh, but really???

I could tell MiMi liked him a lot because she spent more time talking to him than she did anyone else. She even got this special ring tone for him on her phone so she would immediately know when he was calling! Man, she picked this song that’s just as dorky as I bet he is:

youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN_HVup9oOg

I mean, why not pick a real song, like What’s My Name by Rihanna, Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson, or even Moment 4 Life by that scary Nicki Minaj girl?

*_*

Me and Uncle Gus watch BET when MiMi isn’t home, and they play a lot of cool songs and music videos that she probably wouldn’t approve of . . . .

Um, have you met E.L.M.O.?

Anyway, they talked and talked and talked and then the next thing I knew he was coming over!!!! To our house!!! To meet Uncle Gus and take MiMi out!!!!  On a DATE!!!!!

*_*

When he got here, I barked and barked and BARKED! He tried to warm up to me and pet me and stuff, but I wasn’t having it. Do you know when he came over for their first date he actually had a bag of gourmet dog treats in his hand???? Most guys would have brought flowers or something, but SM knew how much MiMi loves me so he brought something for me. Man, you would have thought he came with three dozen roses! I could tell he scored a lot of brownie points with that move. I heard MiMi tell Auntie Jacque about it later, and she was telling her that when SM did that it demonstrated how “sensitive” and “in tune with her” he was. *_*

What a sell out! I mean, what guy does that????

*_*

MiMi let him open the bag and give me the treats. Man, those treats smelled sooo good . . . . beef and cheese! My favorites! I didn’t want to, but I let him pet me so I could eat some of those treats. And yes, he really was a dork, just like I thought. He kept saying, “Here Buddy! Come on, Buddy!” I wanted to keep barking at him and tell him, “My name is NOT Buddy, my name is NIBBLES!” but I let him make it because the treats were so good.

And did I tell you how he looks? He’s very tall, with this pale skin that’s the same color as some of the people at that place where I go to get my shots or get groomed. He wears nice clothes, I guess, but he sure doesn’t dress as good as my Uncle Gus – my Uncle Gus has style! I would tell you about how SM can’t dress but my Uncle Gus can tell you better than me. Sometimes Uncle Gus makes jokes and teases MiMi about SM’s lack of fashion sense. MiMi just says “fashion isn’t everything” (but she still cracks up laughing)! Sometimes Uncle Gus really gets on a roll making jokes about the way SM dresses and MiMi laughs so hard she can’t breathe. (I think she’s planning to write a blog about it.)

When SM brought her home from their date I decided to bark like I was losing my mind. I didn’t want her to let him kiss her good night so I barked and barked and BARKED. I think I rattled her and I sure ran him off – he was down the steps and on the sidewalk before she could say “Hitch!”

In spite of all that SM still came back the next night. Not only that, he comes back all the time! He keeps bringing me really good treats, takes me out for nice long walks, and even picks up after me when I potty. He seems determined to prove to MiMi that he likes me, and even tries to act like he wants me around. He keeps saying really corny stuff to her like “I love you and I love Nibbles too,” and “Nibbles is ‘our’ dog.”

*_*

WHAT. EVER! MiMi was mine first and I’m gonna keep it that way! I’m not gonna roll over (well, I do, but only ‘cause I like having my tummy rubbed). Ahem. I’m not gonna roll over for some no-dressing-pale-face-dorky-smart-guy!

Gourmet treats or not, I’m not gonna accept him!

*_*

Watching BET with Uncle Gus has really paid off, because I learned about something called “blocking.” I try to squeeze in between SM and MiMi every time he comes over and they sit on the sofa, and when he starts kissing her you’d better believe I make high-pitched whining noises. That stops them every time, because MiMi just laughs and laughs and laughs and thinks it’s really funny when I do that. I notice that SM doesn’t laugh nearly as hard as MiMi does, so I know it must be working.

I forgot to tell you this: There’s a Bark Park across the street and one time SM walked me over there. I pulled a fast one on him and jerked away from him when we were crossing the street. My plan was to run down the street as fast as I could and shake him up but good. Man, when I jerked away my leash popped out of his hand and I took off running so fast I thought he was gonna faint! It was a great plan . . . except that I almost got hit by a car. That wouldn’t have been good for him, and it definitely wouldn’t have been great for me.

*_*

Sigh.

Even though so far all my plots to run SM off haven’t worked, I’m gonna keep planning and plotting and barking. Eventually I’ll figure out how to get rid of him. Man, I was in some high cotton before SM came along, but when he’s around I just live a dog’s life! Can any of you out there help a puppy out?

Join in the fray:

Make a comment and give Nibbles some ideas!