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Archives for February 2013

The Best Way to Fly Solo

February 26, 2013 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 3 Comments

MASSAGE 2

Some of you may not know it, but I’m a licensed massage therapist.

(Pauses to listen to the sound of my personal stock going up; pats self on back).

I’m a licensed massage therapist and I have the great fortune to teach continuing education classes at the University of Louisiana. My class is called “Couples Massage for Fun and Relaxation.”

This past Thursday I had the pleasure of teaching my class. I had been informed a week prior by the class administrators that, per my approval, my class was going to have an odd number.

Hold up . . . an odd number of attendees???

That meant someone who signed up for the class was Flying Solo. 

Flying Solo? In a Couples Massage class??? Who was this brave soul???

FLYING SOLO 2

Needless to say, I was intrigued. I gave my approval, and informed the class administrator that the Soloist just needed to agree to be my partner. 

Fast forward to class night and, lo and behold, I didn’t just have one Soloist, I had two.

And both of them were men.

(Go ahead and faint from the shock. I’ll wait).

Yes, indeed. These two guys had signed up for the class, sans a female (or male) partner. They were taking a Couples Massage, and they were flying solo.

Turns out Jack and Robert* had decided that even though they weren’t currently attached, they wanted to be prepared for when they did have a significant other. 

So, along with the six other couples in the class, Jack (the younger, very cute White dude) and Robert (the older, very handsome White dude) learned the five basic massage strokes and had a blast. They also enjoyed the pleasure of serving as the class guinea pigs – and treated to two hours of constant back, shoulder, neck, scalp, and face massages by Yours Truly.

The moral of the story?

The best way to fly solo is to go in, be fearless, and exceed your objectives!

Here’s how Jack and Robert accomplished it:

  • They refused to allow the “Couples” designation stop them from signing up
  • They refused to give in to the fear of the unknown
  •  They refused to be embarrassed by arriving solo
  • They focused on what they had (a desire to enhance their skills) instead of on what they didn’t have (a girlfriend)
  • They maintained a healthy, optimistic perspective on their future relationships
  • They took proactive steps to be prepared
  • They were determined to have fun

FLYING SOLO

Yes, I know that single women have been encouraged to venture out Solo. We’re encouraged to dine out alone, go to the movies alone, travel, etc. We’re told, Live your best life now! Don’t wait for a partner! 

I cosign and practice all of that, and thankfully I enjoy my own company. What’s refreshing to me is the fact that Jack and Robert held such an optimistic view of their dating lives, and demonstrated fearlessness when it came to preparing.

And you know what? The other members of the class didn’t make fun of Jack and Rob – they applauded them. The husbands gave them knowing looks and shout outs of approval, and the ladies made sure to give them compliments and encouragement.

Jack (the younger guy) paid close attention to everything I said, to make sure he was doing everything correctly. Rob (the older guy) asked lots of questions and wanted to know all the variations of each of the strokes. 

(Cough, cough. Anybody catch what I just said? Moving right along . . . . )

I’ve been talking about taking a Zydeco dancing class. I’m so inspired by Jack and Rob, I’ve decided to just do what they did: Sign up, partner or not. 

I even mentioned my intentions in class, and guess what? Jack was already signed up – again, Flying Solo! He immediately offered to be my partner (tee hee hee!) and used his iPhone to look up the class on the spot. 

Alas, Jack’s class was already full (darn it!).

But guess who asked for my number – and guess who’s signed up for the next one? 

Join in the Fray: How well do you Fly Solo?

Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl, All rights reserved.

 

 

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Black, Black women, Black. White, class, continuing ed, continuing education, couples, couples massage, fun, interracial, interracial dating, interracial marriage, Massage, massage classes, massage strokes, relaxation, swirl, swirling

From the Mailbag – I Want to Know How to Date Out!

February 22, 2013 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 4 Comments

MAILBAG

I receive emails from people around the globe.

Fans write to express how much they enjoy the blog; foes, not so much. 

Whether you love it or you hate it, I enjoy hearing from you.

Today’s post (edited to protect the writer’s anonymity) features a question I often receive:

Hey Michelle, how are you?….I’m writing because I recently broke up with my on & off again boyfriend of 8 yrs (long story..lol) I love your site because I have recently become open minded to dating outside of my race but I’m nervous and not really sure what to do since I’ve been kinda off the market for some time. I was looking thru the pics on your Facebook page and even liking some of them. Now my friends are asking me why!  I guess I’m just looking for some advise or words to get me out there to explore. I know I’m probably rambling & not making sense but I guess I just need to talk to someone like minded….hope to hear from ya soon.

This was my response:

Hi there, and thanks for writing! 

The first thing I would recommend is that you get yourself a copy of the book Swirling by Christelyn D. Karazin and Janice Roshalle Littlejohn (it’s on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble). The book contains tons of GREAT tips and covers the main tenets of IR dating from start to finish – it even lists the parts of the country that are the most open.

 

I have to tell you to be prepared for the backlash. One of the things I’ve observed in my studies is that for some strange reason, Black Women have been saddled with “maintaining the race,” and labeled as being a “race traitor” when they decide to date out – yet Black men date/marry out at a rate that is over 2 to 1 of the rate of Black women! It seems to be ok for THEM to do it but not us – go figure. Statistics also show that Black women have the lowest rates of interracial marriage. You have to really decide in your mind that this is YOUR life and YOUR choice, and ultimately your FIRST loyalties are to God and yourself.

Get Rid of Your Negativity

Don’t allow anyone’s negativity to hold you back. What a lot of Black women don’t realize is that while they are waiting/looking/checking for “Nothing But a Black Man” (NBABM), so are THOUSANDS of OTHER Black women – realistically speaking, how many Black men do you think there are to go around??? And not only that, many of the “good” Black men are not checking for Black women – they’re interested in women of other races. This reduces the pool of available Black men even further. If you’re in that NBABM mindset, the numerical odds are that you will either (1) wind up alone, or (2) wind up sharing a man. Men of other races outnumber Black men, which gives you ample more men to choose from if you just OPEN your mind and EXPAND your options. You don’t need EVERY quality non-Black man to like/want you – guess what? You only need ONE.

Shake Everyone Else’s Negativity

Don’t allow the negative feelings friends/relatives to hold you back, either. Women really do tend to sometimes have that “crab in a bucket” mentality. They’re alone, and (1) afraid to reach out to other races, or (2) either trying to “sister soldier” for Black men who are paying them no attention. Many of them will take a “How dare you” approach, because in reality you are leaving them behind. Why should ALL of you be alone??? Let them call you a sell out if they want to. When you think about it, what do you really want? You want a good man who shares many of your values, and will love you for you. Well, men like that come in more than one color. And for the women who say, “I want a Black man because he can understand/share my struggle,” my response is this: Are you SO shallow that a man of only ONE ethnicity can relate to you??? Really?? If a non-Black man doesn’t know your struggle, how ‘bout you educate him – and be educated by him in return? What’s wrong with that?

The Opportunity Has Probably Already Presented Itself!

With that being said, I’ll bet if you think about it, you’ve already been “hit on” by men of other races. Please know that they often tend to be much more subtle in their approach than Black men. Many White men are a bit hesitant/reluctant to step to a Black woman, not because they’re not interested, but rather because they’re not sure how she will receive their advances. Unfortunately, because of some of the reasons I listed above, many Black women react in strongly negative ways to White men’s advances, so it makes non-Black men somewhat timid. Plus, they tend to not be as aggressive and “in your face” as Black men are (think about it; a lot of Black men tend to think they have a RIGHT to approach you, and also think that you should automatically be responsive. SMH).

Why You Need to Make it a Great Experience – For Both of You

If a White man (or other non-Black man) compliments you, attempts to strike up a conversation with you, etc., most of the time it’s because he’s interested. Even if you’re not interested (for whatever reason), please still be nice, because you don’t want to spoil it for the next Black woman he wants to approach. Leave him with the thought and impression that Black women are friendly and approachable, not hateful and mean. Not only will it help him, it will also help to crush the negative Black women stereotypes out there. Let me also say that unless you have a VERY good reason for not being interested, give the man a chance – you really never know! 

Some Practical Tips

I suggest you examine your hobbies and interests, and start from there. Go online and check out Meet Up groups in your area. It’s a quick, easy, and usually free way to meet new people and expand your circle. Change some of the places you frequent – go to museums, libraries, etc., where people interested in the arts and culture usually frequent. I even suggest you investigate the events at your local Whole Foods Market!

Smile, Smile, SMILE!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to SMILE, be open, be FRIENDLY and APPROACHABLE. Be observant; it’s easy to start conversations over the simplest of things. Of course you still have to vet ANY man, regardless of race. Keep your standards high and don’t take any crap – the same way you would not from a Black man. Confidence is attractive, period – and men love confident women. I’m sure you maintain a neat and attractive appearance; that’s a given for a man of ANY race. (Interestingly, what you’ll find is that Black men are often FAR more critical of our looks than non-Black men are. We’re exotic to them, and the things that Black men tend to rag on – natural hair, skin tone, etc., non-Black men are DRAWN to and LOVE. Again, go figure!)

I have much more I can say – all of that is just for starters. Feel free to ask away, and bounce things off me!

Join in the Fray: What advice can you share? 

Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl, All rights reserved.

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Filed Under: From the Mailbag, Special, Uncategorized Tagged With: advice, couple, couples, dating advice, dating tips, friendliness, interracial, interracial couples, interracial dating, interracial marriage, interracial relationships, letter, Marriage, married, openness, swirl, swirling, unfriendliness, unfriendly, write, Writing

They’re Back – Swirl Couple Gene-Leigh and Seth Wheeler!

February 14, 2013 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway Leave a Comment

GENE-LEIGH AND SETH WHEELER CUT THE CAKE

Happy Valentine’s Day, Swirlers!

I’ve been busy celebrating my favorite holiday and preparing for an out-of-town getaway.

Whether you’re single or boo-ed up, I trust that you love YOU and you’re making this an awesome day.

As a special treat we’re featuring another installment from our resident Swirlers Gene-Leigh and Seth Wheeler.

Today, Gene-Leigh discusses how she opened her mind and heart – and met the love of her life. Happy Reading!

How I Came to Swirl

It’s funny what you learn about yourself when you are willing to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new.  If someone would have told me 14 years ago that my husband would be a White punk rocker from a little hick town, I’d have labeled them insane and called for a psychological evaluation.  Before my husband, I’d never dated outside of my race – so the experience was completely foreign, and I was a bit on edge.  I’d explicitly gone out of my way to push away ALL non-Black men in an effort to remain true to my heritage.  It was only as I grew in myself, and realized that I was hurting my chances of having a long-lasting relationship did I open my mind to an alternate point of view. 

A Man – or a MATE?

I’ve dated Black men.  Quite a few Black men, as a matter of fact. While each man had attributes that made them good men, they also had attributes that made them bad MATES.  DISCLAIMER: I am NOT in ANY WAY bashing Black men–that would be generalizing a group of people based on the actions of a few (aside from the fact that my brother is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever known in my entire life).  In these relationships in my early to mid-20s however, I was subjecting myself to unnecessary abuses to stay “within my race.”  How many potentially good relationships did I miss out on because the men who approached me were the “wrong” color?  I’ll never know.  This isn’t to say that men of all creeds, colors, and races don’t come with baggage and problems (y’all know that Halle Berry went THROUGH IT with Gabriel Aubry) but to limit ourselves to only Black men because we feel we are doing our race an injustice is ludicrous, to say the least. 

Seth and Swirling

Seth, on the other hand, has known he’s had a bit of a streak for Black women since he was a LITTLE BOY.  Younger than 10, by the stories he’s told me.  He remembers being a kid, and watching television shows such as The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and (gasp) Saved by the Bell, and being attracted to the Black leading ladies as well as their White counterparts. 

His issue was that as a result of living in such a small cloistered community (only about 1,000 or so people) there weren’t very many opportunities for swirling, so he dated White women instead.  Now don’t get me wrong—-my husband LOVES women no matter what color they are, and that’s what makes him so awesome. Surprisingly, he’d only dated one other Black woman aside from me before we met, and while the two of them got along well, her family would have been less than accepting of her choice to date and potentially marry someone who wasn’t Black.  This girl eventually moved out of the area, and it crushed him, because he really liked her. 

Well . . .  her loss.  Seth doesn’t see me as a “Black woman,” he sees me as someone who is loving, caring, supportive, and beautiful.  The fact that I am Black is secondary to him which makes for interesting conversations with people who have never met me.  Imagine their surprise when he shows off our wedding pictures! 

Just Know that Men are Men

SN: As I’m sitting cross-legged on our bed typing this entry, Seth is hollering from our master bathroom about a plumber’s wrench he can’t find:

Seth: Dammit, do you know where that wrench is?

Me (typing): Seth I have no idea . . . .

(A few minutes of silence go by peppered only by my fingers tapping away merrily on the laptop. . . .)

Seth: Gene, hello?

Me (starting to get annoyed): No Seth, I don’t know where it is.

Seth (getting annoyed right along with me): GENE, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WRENCH IS???

Me (at the top of my lungs): NO! I SAID NO TWICE, CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME???? GOOD LORD!!!

 See? Men are men no matter what the color—-they hear what they want, they want their tools, and they don’t listen J)

Seth, a MRI technologist, and Gene-Leigh, a family therapist, live in Pittsburgh, Pa. The couple describes themselves as “Two of the most down-to-earth folks you will ever meet although we are both a bit nutty.”  

 

Stay tuned for more adventures from this lovely Swirl Couple!

Join in the Fray: Why do you Swirl?

Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl, All rights reserved.

 

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Filed Under: Guest Blog, Special, Uncategorized Tagged With: Black, Black women, Black. White, dating, interracial, interracial dating, interracial marriage, interracial relationships, Marriage, soul mate, swirling

Are You a Grumpy Girl?

February 7, 2013 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 6 Comments

I’m sure most of us have seen pictures and witty sayings featuring The Grumpy Cat™. 

I saw this particular Grumpy Cat photo last week:

GRUMPY CAT HEY GIRL

Even though I thought it was hilarious, it gave me pause.

How many women are Grumpy Girls????

I’m happy to say that I’m never at a loss for male attention, regardless of the race or ethnicity of the man. I don’t say that to brag; it’s simply the truth. By nature I’m friendly, outgoing, curious, and I see the humor in most things (probably too many things, but that’s another post).

I smile and say hello to people I don’t know. And when someone smiles at me, I smile back – and this often leads to a conversation.

I dare say many more women would be in relationships – or even dating – if they weren’t Grumpy Girls. I’ll go even farther and say that many of them would probably be in interracial relationships if they were not Grumpy Girls. 

Too many women have closed minds when it comes to dating and relationships – a guy has to be a certain complexion or ethnicity to grab her attention. Or, he has to be a certain height, or weight. And if he doesn’t meet the visual standard, he gets this:

GRUMPY CAT

Photo courtesy of TardTheGrumpyCat.com

Why so grumpy? What’s wrong with smiling and being friendly? What’s wrong with a simple, “How’s your day going?” or “Are you enjoying the weather?” And what’s wrong with a nice “Thank you!” when you’re complimented?

I would venture to say that a woman’s date-less-ness is in direct proportion to her level of grum-pi-ness.

Smile, and the world will smile with you – and you might even get asked for a date.

Join in the Fray: Are you a Grumpy Girl/Guy? 

Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl, All rights reserved.

All photos in this post are the copyright of the respective owner, otherwise copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, Dallas, TX, USA.

 

 

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: animal, Black, Black women, Black. White, Cat, dating, Grumpy Cat, interracial, interracial marriage, interracial relationships, life, love, pet, swirling, Tard

We Just Reached a Milestone!

February 1, 2013 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 2 Comments

I’m taking a quick break from the marathon blogging month that involved the 31 days in January to make this announcement:

This is Post #100! Woot Woot!

I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am about that!

I lost quite a few months of blogging in 2011 because of some serious family and personal circumstances. Both my parents were hospitalized (my Dad was hospitalized twice), and we had an epic plumbing problem that seemingly refused to die (I’m talking a get-a-contractor-to-remove-the-front-porch; dig-up-the-front-yard-and-remove-the-sidewalk kind of plumbing problem).

2011 was the year I experienced a couple of things that I have since classified in the #epicfail department. The blog suffered as a result, but thankfully we were able to recover and press. on. I did a reset, and now, today, here we are celebrating our 100th post.

Woot Woot!

100 POSTS

We have some changes in store as we move further into 2013. We’re going to add more bloggers and guest posters. If you’d like to submit an article or be featured on the blog, feel free to hit me up at ASwirlGirl@TheSwirlWorld.com. I read all my emails, and I promise to respond.

I’m having so much fun with these NaBloPoMo Challenges that I’m thinking of doing the month of February. It’s only 28 days, right???

(We’ll see).

What I do know is we’ll be back with more escapades from Gene-Leigh and Seth Wheeler. We also have something special coming up for Valentine’s Day – and an announcement to make in March!

Great times are ahead; not just for me, but for each of us. Let’s keep each other company along the way.

Join in the Fray: How are things looking for you? Please share!

Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl, All rights reserved.

 

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Filed Under: Announcements, Special, Uncategorized Tagged With: 100, Black, Black women, Black. White, blog posts, dating, interracial, interracial dating, interracial marriage, interracial relationships, love, milestone, swirling

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Welcome!

I’m Michelle Matthews-Calloway, and I’m A Swirl Girl! Greetings to you from The Swirl World. We encourage Black women to expand their relationship options by dating and marrying interracially. Our overarching mission is to see Black Women live their best life. Come Swirl with us in The Swirl World™, where we celebrate Black women and the diverse men who love us!™

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