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The Swirl World

Celebrating and Elevating Black Women - mind, body, soul and spirit!


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He Says, She Says: Installment 1

June 16, 2016 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway Leave a Comment

He Says, She Says

So, last week we introduced you to millennials Angelique Evette Long and Jonathan Gamel and our new, He Says, She Says feature.

Each week, we’re going to pose the same question to this couple.

Our purpose is to glean some insight not only into the male and female perspective on the same question but more important, from the perspective of a Black woman and a White man involved in an interracial relationship.

Keep reading – you’ll see they’re not shy about giving their opinion!

Today’s Question

Today, Angel and Jonathan respond to the question:

Black women get a LOT of flak from seemingly all sides in relation to their dating practices. What are they doing right when it comes to dating?

He Says, She SaysHe Says: Jonathan 

I really don’t believe that there is a quintessential “right” or “wrong” way to go about dating in general. Each individual has a background that is just as unique as they are. So I believe that putting a “right” or “wrong” label on someone’s approach at dating would be unfair. Instead, I would prefer to use “misguided” rather than “wrong.”

Society today puts so much pressure on young women to be the perfect shape, size, and color. For example, in a lot of ways society praises the half-naked, slim physique, lighter skinned woman; while also not shunning, but not fully accepting a professionally dressed, full-figured, darker skinned woman as equally attractive in most cases.

So many beautiful young women are being broken by society’s standards. If a woman does not feel confident and worthy within herself, how can she possibly approach dating in a healthy manner, with a positive outlook? In my opinion, this is what leads to extreme promiscuity, self-exploitation via social media, and self-harm.

The lack of confidence and self-worth caused by not fitting into what society calls “attractive” is, in my opinion, the reason why there are so many
females that feel like they’re doing it “wrong.”

On the other side of the equation, we have the women that society praises for their looks. I believe this causes an overly confident belief system. Society, in general, is teaching this set of women something totally different from what they are teaching the others.

For example, they are taught that they are “better” because of their body shape, skin color, or the way they dress themselves (or the lack thereof). Although these women are being praised, they are still being broken by the same system.

Each set of women is being played against the other for various reasons. On one hand, you have a broken young woman who has always been told
she wasn’t “good enough.” She will almost always lack the skills necessary to approach dating in a positive, confident manner. This can cause her to do things out of her character in hopes of attracting a man.

Unknowingly, the same things catching the attention of potential temporary suitors are also the exact things that may deter a potential long-term partner.

Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have an equally broken young woman because she was always told that she was “better.” She will almost always lack the skills necessary to approach dating in a realistic, humble manner. This can cause her to be overly confident, and have an exaggerated self-appraisal. This exaggerated sense of self-appraisal will deter potential long-term partners because she believes that nothing is ever good enough for her, in various aspects of life.

Both sets of women are equally broken by the same system!  They have been “misguided” from adolescence. The actions that they take are not
“wrong” because that is what they have been taught by society. Yet, they are extremely misguided.

This doesn’t just work for different physical appearances; it can be attributed to many other aspects of a young woman’s life. I don’t believe a person can be considered “wrong” for doing what the world around them has taught them to do.

Ultimately, you have to be yourself and do what is right for you. Keep your head held high and remember; love yourself first!

He Says, She SaysShe Says: Angel

Answer to Question 1:

When it comes to what Black women and women in general, are doing “right” in the sense of dating, I believe it’s definitely being confident; knowing who you are and owning it.

You have to know your worth so you won’t keep dating the wrong men.

Also, do some serious introspection. If there are characteristics that you feel are unhealthy for yourself and other people, then change those things in order to be a better YOU; not just because you want to be liked and accepted by someone else.

Men love a confident woman; they see it like this: “If a woman can love herself this much, I can imagine the love she has to offer me!”

Question 1 – Part 2

As far as what women are doing “wrong” when it comes to dating, I would have to say not loving yourself. I say this because when you truly love yourself, you value your mind, body, and soul. Therefore, you do what is necessary to keep those things healthy. When you do that, you will naturally be attractive to men.

Think about what most men want from a woman: intelligence, well-kept, confident, and classy. Not to offend anyone at all, but I don’t believe a good man is looking to date a woman who shows off her body inappropriately on social media and to the public, or a woman who is giving her body to multiple men at one time.

So reverting back to what I said, when you love yourself you value yourself.

I know many women may be thinking, “Well, I am very confident and I always carry myself like a lady, yet I still cannot find a man!”

I want to let these women know that they should not be discouraged; and by all means, never degrade yourself to catch the attention of a man. When the time is right, your Prince Charming will come and sweep you off of your feet! Just be patient; it will be worth the wait, trust me.

 


Join In The Fray: Got a question for Angel and Jonathan? Send it c/o ASwirlGirl@TheSwirlWorl.com.

See you next time!

Copyright ©2016 Michelle Matthews Calloway, The Swirl World™ LLC, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, The Swirl World Podcast™, The Swirl World Inspiration Daily™, Swirl Nation™, All rights reserved. Photos used with permission.

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Filed Under: 2016, 2016 Posts, Black Women Living Well, BW/WM, Fantastic Fans, He Says, She Says Tagged With: beauty, Black women, dating, dating advice, interracial couple, interracial relationships, interracial romance, life, living well, love, self image

How To Find A Wife At Church – Even When People Say You Can’t

February 26, 2014 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 4 Comments

Despite the seemingly endless barrage of news stories concerning “Church Leaders Gone Wild” (and that shameless, God-forsaken monstrosity of a reality show called “Preachers of LA”), many of us still believe in God.

Not only that, many of us go to churches that make sense and have Pastors who don’t make us ashamed.

Yes, despite the bad rap many individuals receive for going to or actively participating in church, many people still attend and enjoy a vibrant expression of their faith.

And you know what? Many people still DO meet their spouses at church!

In this week’s profile of “Ordinary People  . . . Extraordinary Love,” we’d like you to meet Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser.

Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser enjoyed dating

Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser enjoyed dating

They met – you guessed it – at church!

The Hochstrasser’s took a few minutes to respond to our questions, and share their beautiful story – and family – with us.

Where do you live?

We currently live in Idaho but are both from Oregon and hope to return there!

How long have you been together?

We’ve been together for over 6 1/2 years; married over 5 ½.

When did you know he/she was “The One?”

We knew we were in love when we had some time apart (not broken up; Evoni was away visiting family) and we realized just how much we missed each other and didn’t want to be apart again.

Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser's engagement photo

Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser’s engagement photo

Do you have any children?

We have two children (4 years & 4 months-both girls).

Where did you meet?

We met at a church activity (game night).

What do you like best about your mate?

Evoni: What I like best about my husband is he lets me be me and doesn’t try to change who I am (I’m kinda quirky) but tries to uplift me. He reminds me constantly how much he loves me and how beautiful I am to him (inside and out)!

Ian: What I like best about my wife is she the perfect combination of smart, funny and beautiful.

What advice would you give to others who want to date interracially?

Just love each other and ignore the naysayers (and yes there are still naysayers). Also, never stop laughing together–find the funny in every situation! (Ian and Evoni had the same advice).

An additional question, if you don’t mind: What made your husband approach you as a potential date, and how did he go about it? Was he shy and you let him know you were interested – or was he bold?

Evoni: Initially, we were just instant friends – we enjoyed a lot of the same things and found ourselves spending all our extra time with one another. One night he kissed me (pretty bold for him considering how shy he is!) and the rest is history.

Before the kiss he had said things about how much I meant to him. We had gotten really close fast-he was my best friend.

Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser met at church

Ian and Evoni Hochstrasser met at church

So, how do you find a wife or a husband at church – even when people say you can’t?

Ian and Evoni already told you: “Ignore the naysayers!” 

Till next time, Keep Swirling.

Join in the Fray: Do you believe church is a good place to meet a mate? Why or why not?

All rights reserved. Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, Dallas, TX, USA. Photos used with permission.


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Filed Under: BW/WM, OPEL, Uncategorized Tagged With: Black women, Black. White, children, church, churches, dating advice, engaged, girls, Idaho, interracial, interracial dating, interracial marriage, interracial relationships, interracial romance, love, loving, naysayer, Oregon, preachers, swirl, swirling

From the Mailbag – I Want to Know How to Date Out!

February 22, 2013 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 4 Comments

MAILBAG

I receive emails from people around the globe.

Fans write to express how much they enjoy the blog; foes, not so much. 

Whether you love it or you hate it, I enjoy hearing from you.

Today’s post (edited to protect the writer’s anonymity) features a question I often receive:

Hey Michelle, how are you?….I’m writing because I recently broke up with my on & off again boyfriend of 8 yrs (long story..lol) I love your site because I have recently become open minded to dating outside of my race but I’m nervous and not really sure what to do since I’ve been kinda off the market for some time. I was looking thru the pics on your Facebook page and even liking some of them. Now my friends are asking me why!  I guess I’m just looking for some advise or words to get me out there to explore. I know I’m probably rambling & not making sense but I guess I just need to talk to someone like minded….hope to hear from ya soon.

This was my response:

Hi there, and thanks for writing! 

The first thing I would recommend is that you get yourself a copy of the book Swirling by Christelyn D. Karazin and Janice Roshalle Littlejohn (it’s on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble). The book contains tons of GREAT tips and covers the main tenets of IR dating from start to finish – it even lists the parts of the country that are the most open.

 

I have to tell you to be prepared for the backlash. One of the things I’ve observed in my studies is that for some strange reason, Black Women have been saddled with “maintaining the race,” and labeled as being a “race traitor” when they decide to date out – yet Black men date/marry out at a rate that is over 2 to 1 of the rate of Black women! It seems to be ok for THEM to do it but not us – go figure. Statistics also show that Black women have the lowest rates of interracial marriage. You have to really decide in your mind that this is YOUR life and YOUR choice, and ultimately your FIRST loyalties are to God and yourself.

Get Rid of Your Negativity

Don’t allow anyone’s negativity to hold you back. What a lot of Black women don’t realize is that while they are waiting/looking/checking for “Nothing But a Black Man” (NBABM), so are THOUSANDS of OTHER Black women – realistically speaking, how many Black men do you think there are to go around??? And not only that, many of the “good” Black men are not checking for Black women – they’re interested in women of other races. This reduces the pool of available Black men even further. If you’re in that NBABM mindset, the numerical odds are that you will either (1) wind up alone, or (2) wind up sharing a man. Men of other races outnumber Black men, which gives you ample more men to choose from if you just OPEN your mind and EXPAND your options. You don’t need EVERY quality non-Black man to like/want you – guess what? You only need ONE.

Shake Everyone Else’s Negativity

Don’t allow the negative feelings friends/relatives to hold you back, either. Women really do tend to sometimes have that “crab in a bucket” mentality. They’re alone, and (1) afraid to reach out to other races, or (2) either trying to “sister soldier” for Black men who are paying them no attention. Many of them will take a “How dare you” approach, because in reality you are leaving them behind. Why should ALL of you be alone??? Let them call you a sell out if they want to. When you think about it, what do you really want? You want a good man who shares many of your values, and will love you for you. Well, men like that come in more than one color. And for the women who say, “I want a Black man because he can understand/share my struggle,” my response is this: Are you SO shallow that a man of only ONE ethnicity can relate to you??? Really?? If a non-Black man doesn’t know your struggle, how ‘bout you educate him – and be educated by him in return? What’s wrong with that?

The Opportunity Has Probably Already Presented Itself!

With that being said, I’ll bet if you think about it, you’ve already been “hit on” by men of other races. Please know that they often tend to be much more subtle in their approach than Black men. Many White men are a bit hesitant/reluctant to step to a Black woman, not because they’re not interested, but rather because they’re not sure how she will receive their advances. Unfortunately, because of some of the reasons I listed above, many Black women react in strongly negative ways to White men’s advances, so it makes non-Black men somewhat timid. Plus, they tend to not be as aggressive and “in your face” as Black men are (think about it; a lot of Black men tend to think they have a RIGHT to approach you, and also think that you should automatically be responsive. SMH).

Why You Need to Make it a Great Experience – For Both of You

If a White man (or other non-Black man) compliments you, attempts to strike up a conversation with you, etc., most of the time it’s because he’s interested. Even if you’re not interested (for whatever reason), please still be nice, because you don’t want to spoil it for the next Black woman he wants to approach. Leave him with the thought and impression that Black women are friendly and approachable, not hateful and mean. Not only will it help him, it will also help to crush the negative Black women stereotypes out there. Let me also say that unless you have a VERY good reason for not being interested, give the man a chance – you really never know! 

Some Practical Tips

I suggest you examine your hobbies and interests, and start from there. Go online and check out Meet Up groups in your area. It’s a quick, easy, and usually free way to meet new people and expand your circle. Change some of the places you frequent – go to museums, libraries, etc., where people interested in the arts and culture usually frequent. I even suggest you investigate the events at your local Whole Foods Market!

Smile, Smile, SMILE!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to SMILE, be open, be FRIENDLY and APPROACHABLE. Be observant; it’s easy to start conversations over the simplest of things. Of course you still have to vet ANY man, regardless of race. Keep your standards high and don’t take any crap – the same way you would not from a Black man. Confidence is attractive, period – and men love confident women. I’m sure you maintain a neat and attractive appearance; that’s a given for a man of ANY race. (Interestingly, what you’ll find is that Black men are often FAR more critical of our looks than non-Black men are. We’re exotic to them, and the things that Black men tend to rag on – natural hair, skin tone, etc., non-Black men are DRAWN to and LOVE. Again, go figure!)

I have much more I can say – all of that is just for starters. Feel free to ask away, and bounce things off me!

Join in the Fray: What advice can you share? 

Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl, All rights reserved.

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Filed Under: From the Mailbag, Special, Uncategorized Tagged With: advice, couple, couples, dating advice, dating tips, friendliness, interracial, interracial couples, interracial dating, interracial marriage, interracial relationships, letter, Marriage, married, openness, swirl, swirling, unfriendliness, unfriendly, write, Writing

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Welcome!

I’m Michelle Matthews-Calloway, and I’m A Swirl Girl! Greetings to you from The Swirl World. We encourage Black women to expand their relationship options by dating and marrying interracially. Our overarching mission is to see Black Women live their best life. Come Swirl with us in The Swirl World™, where we celebrate Black women and the diverse men who love us!™

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