Archives for June 2012

Come Wake Me Up

June 21, 2012 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 10 Comments

I just sit in these flames,

and pray that you’ll come back,

Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that

I’m dreaming . . . Come wake me up.

The new Rascal Flatts’ CD has been in heavy rotation this week. I have very eclectic tastes in music, and my music tastes are as wide-ranging as my moods. Several of the songs are so good that I keep them on repeat while I’m driving – and for me, this repeat mode can last all day. #dontjudgeme

There’s a method to my madness: When a song is worthy of this highly concentrated repeat mode, it’s because I’m meditating on the words, extracting meanings and applications for my life, or even using the song to gauge how much I’ve advanced (or haven’t) in dealing with certain situations or emotions. Let me give you an example:

A “break up” song like Come Wake Me Up one has three cycles:

Stage 1: Tears are flowing; this song speaks the sentiments of my heart, blah, blah, blah. Pass the tissues, please.

Stage 2: I’ve passed through Stage 1, but the song is still too painful to listen to and can potentially put me back in Stage 1 if I’m not careful. *Skips the song on the CD*

Stage 3: The sound is turned up, and I’m singing along, hitting all the high notes. I’m happy as a clam because I’ve made it through the first two stages, and the fact that I’m enjoying the song lets me know that the heartbreak cycle is over.

Today I’m adding a Stage 4: The words of the song give me a revelation.

Yes, I know the original meaning of Come Wake me Up is to convey that the singer wants his lost love to come and “wake him up” from the pain he’s experiencing at losing her. How many of us can relate to that??? The aftermath of a breakup is surreal; so much so that you sometimes want to pinch yourself and wonder if the fact that you and your S/O are no longer together has placed you in the Twilight Zone. Surely, surely you’re dreaming, and you want him or her to “come and wake you up.”

Break-ups are usually traumatic and emotionally draining, even when there’s no accompanying drama. Allowing yourself to go through a period of healthy introspection, evaluation, and release is a must. To each his own, but I don’t advocate jumping from one relationship immediately into another. Instead, face the pain. Get reacquainted with yourself. The same love that hurts is also the same love that heals. Once you direct love inward, towards you, at some point you’ll be again able to direct it outward, and hopefully this time towards someone who is worthy of that love.

So, let it hurt, because the good news is that you’ll find that you come to my Stage 4 epiphany, where Come Wake Me Up loses its negative connotation and becomes positive. Come Wake Me Up is what your heart begins to sing to the good guy out there; the one who makes himself emotionally available to give you the love that you need and deserve. The one who won’t take you for granted or abuse you, but will appreciate and cherish you. The one that you can give to without fear of exploitation, rejection, or desertion. A love that gives back. That’s the kind of love we all want. The kind of love that will come wake us up, and then say, “Come away with me.”

Join the fray: What area of your life need to wake up, and why?

What Works for Me

June 9, 2012 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 9 Comments

Seen on Twitter:

I want a relationship that works, or I don’t want one at all. The alternative is much too painful.

A tiny Tweet, yet it speaks volumes. I’m pretty sure most of us not only concur, we can relate. It’s a simple concept; after all, who doesn’t want a relationship that works? Unfortunately, problems creep into our relationships because oftentimes we hold different ideas regarding what “works.” A happy medium can be hard to achieve if one party in the relationship doesn’t understand that the best way to receive is to give. Having a relationship that “works” also doesn’t mean that we get to have our way at our partner’s expense. The goal of any compromise should be win-win, not win at all costs.

I’ve also found out the hard way that developing a relationship that works isn’t achieved simply because each person defined their boundaries and limitations, or established must-haves. It also isn’t achieved because we drew lines in the sand regarding those behaviors and situations we designated as deal breakers. For instance, what if one person decides (for whatever reason) to totally disregard everything you both spent time and energy to carefully create? It’s like using “time out” as a disciplinary tactic in child rearing: What happens if your kid decides he won’t go in time out?

Time out? Make me . . . .

I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to have a relationship that works, both persons have to be what they want in the relationship. Here’s a primer:

Be honest. That means be truthful – not only in what you say, but in who you are. My personal philosophy for entering a relationship is “what you see is what you get.” No pretending, no sugarcoating – I am who I am and it is what it is. I do this to assure you that you’re not meeting Dr. Jekyll, only to have Mr. Hyde show up later.
Be smart. In this instance, I’m not saying you have to be a Rhodes Scholar (though having a brain – and knowing how to use it – really helps. Just being honest). Being smart also means that even though you recognize and accept you imperfections, you’re smart enough to not use them as excuses for dumb behavior.
Be a team player. Even though that expression is tired and worn, the concept isn’t. Team players have enough sense to know what to do to get along with someone, namely, me. You + Me = Team Us. That means we both do what it takes to sink the basket, score the touchdown, make the goal, make the birdie or an eagle, roll a strike, and land a 20 pound bass. A striped one.
Be a lover. Wait, I’m not talking about that kind of lover . . . (well, on second thought, I am; it’s just that I’m not talking about that right now. This page is rated PG-13, and I have to keep it on the level that my Mother can read it. Stop trying to confuse me. Ahem. Cough).
Be a lover. Be willing to love me the way I want to be loved. Please speak my love language, because I promise I’ll speak yours. There’s no need to complain about our differences; instead, let’s make it a point to celebrate them. You being from Mars and me hailing from Venus is a good thing.
Be fair. Don’t take my kindness for weakness, or try to use it to your advantage. I don’t know how to give less than 100%, so when I’m in, I’m in. Don’t allow me to keep giving 100% when you know you intend to only give 30%, or when you know my 100% is no longer what you want. Insert —–>Just man up and tell me<—— here.
Be a promise keeper. I cannot stress this one enough. If this seems like a no brainer, then let me introduce you to the scores of people who have found themselves on the receiving end of broken promises (sadly, ASwirlGirl would be included in that score). One of the best ways you can ensure you keep your promises is to be very judicious in making them. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed, strong armed, cajoled, or otherwise persuaded into making promises, and in like manner, don’t use these tactics to extract them. If you happen to learn that you will have to break a promise you made, then be big enough to say so. Articulate. Communicate. Talk, for goodness sakes. In other words, Just man up and tell me. Trust me, any disappointment you think I will feel will certainly be offset by your honesty.

I’ve taken a lighthearted approach to this relationship business, but I dare not overlook the seriousness of the portion of the statement that said “the alternative is much too painful.” Yes. Being lied to is painful. Trying to deal with someone who refuses to push himself creatively or intellectually is painful. Sustaining a relationship with someone who believes there is an “I” in TEAM is painful. Enduring willful, deliberate acts of unfairness is painful. Recovering from the hurt stemming from broken promises with no reason why IS. PAINFUL.

I believe life is meant to be shared with family and friends. Being in a relationship with a special someone as you make life’s journey is even better. Most of us want to be with someone who agrees on, lives up to, and shares in the physical, spiritual, and emotional investment required for the journey. Someone who knows and understands that we each need to be that person to the best of our ability. Someone who doesn’t expect us to get it right every time yet appreciates the fact that we’re going to try. Someone who will give what they want to get. That’s what works for me.

Join in the fray: Tell me, what “works” for you?

It’s a Wrap! (and, It’s an Update)

June 5, 2012 By Michelle Matthews-Calloway 4 Comments

Whew! Last night I finally submitted my dissertation proposal for general review. I have to get pre-approval from the board of reviewers at my school before they forward it to the Institutional Review Board (IRB). I won’t bore you with the details, but I will say that the submission represents a huge milestone in my quest to earn a PhD. They may kick it back for one minute reason or the other, but I don’t expect any major objections. Update to follow when I hear back . . . .

And speaking of updates, a little more than year has passed since I blogged regularly. (Thanks to all of you who called, texted, emailed, Tweeted, or Facebooked me to check on me; I appreciate the love!).

In 2011 I semi-moved back to Louisiana, made it through my comprehensive exams, nurtured both my parents through multiple hospital stays, made it “through the water and through the flames,” and reinvented myself yet again. Needless to say, all of that took time and energy away from blogging. I’m happy to report that I’m back with a vengeance! I’m ready to once again share my musings on life, love, swirling, diversity, and everything in-between. I love working out and I’m trying to eat healthier, so I’ll also share those experiences as I dabble into the vegetarian/vegan/raw foods lifestyle. (Notice I said “dabble.” Seafood will always be on the menu, and I refuse to kill the carnivore residing in me. Just sayin’).

Anyway, my fellow Swirlers, stay tuned for rants, raves, and craves. I live life out loud! This Swirl Girl is traveling through the swirl world and loving every minute of it.

Until my next post, enjoy this dark little ditty by the awesome Justin Nozuka. Feel free to share your “water and flames” moments.