The Swirl World

Celebrating and Elevating Black Women - mind, body, soul and spirit!


Archives for April 2011

Jump Day

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I came apart inside a world
Made of angry people
I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over
My feet like bricks under water
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I will make you happy
I’m never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy…for you

And so I found a state of mind
Where I could be speechless
I had to try it for a while
To figure out this feeling
This felt so right
Pull me upside
Down to a place where you’ve been waiting
And how am I supposed to tell you how I feel?
I need oxygen

Oh baby, if I was your lady
I will make you happy
I’m never gonna leave, never gonna leave
Oh baby, I would be your lady
I am going crazy…for you

~Partial lyrics to Oxygen by Colbie Caillat & Jason Reeves

 

It was starting to get a tad bit late; more so for SM than me because of our one-hour time zone difference. All the conversations, e-mails, instant messages, and texts had come to a head, and we both sensed it.

SM, in his characteristically logical and sensible way, cut to the chase.

Him: “I’m really enjoying our friendship and I want to take it to a more serious level. Do you feel the same way?”

I’m not one to play games, so I met him head on.

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Him: “I know you’ve never dated a White guy, and I’ve never dated a Black woman before. We’ve talked about it, but now we need to decide if we want to move forward and take that step. Are you ready?”

It was time to put up or shut up.

Me: “I sure am!”

SM: “Well, how bout we just take a leap of faith, jump into the unknown, and see where we land?”

Me: “On the count of three . . . .  “

SM & Me: “One . . . two . . . three . . . .”

JUMP!

We didn’t just jump: We dove in.

We dove in feet first; with the abandon of children.

We jumped into a pool of uncertainty, determined to swim instead of sink. We believed our diverse backgrounds and open minds gave us an edge; how hard could it be? Knowing what we wanted helped and we believed we had found the one. Differences in skin color, race, ethnicity, and culture notwithstanding, we know what really mattered was the person underneath. We shared similar principles and values – and loved each other’s quirky sense of humor. We believed that life isn’t about the destination, it’s more about the journey – and we knew we wanted to travel through life together. We didn’t plan to face life head on; instead, life was going to face us.

Yesterday we celebrated the two-year anniversary of that fateful conversation. Since then, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve fought, negotiated, compromised, and made up. We’ve made each other almost as mad as we’ve ever been, and happier than we ever thought possible. We’ve navigated the dynamics associated with the meet and greets of family and friends, and braved (and returned) the stares whenever and wherever we encountered them. We’ve fielded questions (whether they made sense or not), and tried to be gracious when we received unsolicited advice (and believe you me, advice of the unsolicited variety abounds). We keep learning about ourselves, about life and people, and above all, each other.

He colors my world, and I color his. May our jump day never end!            


As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you’re near
Promise your love
That I’ve waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you

~Lyrics to Color My World by Chicago, written by James Pankow

Join in the fray:

What pool have you “jumped” into?


Lovingly Submitted

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In the past couple of weeks I’ve been hearing news and  reading a lot of blogs about the anniversary of the Civil War.

 Of course I’m happy about the outcome. What Black person or person of color – particularly in the United States – wouldn’t be?

Black people have suffered a lot of drama and trauma since May 12-13, 1865, the date of the last reported battle of the War. On both sides soldiers shed a river of blood in that war which is quite a sobering thought, yet today in 2011 we have blowhards like Donald Trump believing he’s being broad-minded and a champion of the people when he makes really intelligent statements asserting that he “has a great relationship with the blacks.”

Sigh.

*_*

Sorry folks, I’m feeling some kinda way about that statement and just had to get that out.

On another note, what the talk of the Civil War anniversary really made me think about was the wonderfully compelling love story of Mildred Jeter and Richard Loving, who in June of 1958 decided to buck the tide of ignorance and racism and pursue their American dream, which was to spend their lives living and loving each other in holy (and legal) matrimony. They had to go to Washington, DC for the ceremony but were arrested in their own bedroom in the middle of the night by sheriff’s deputies for the “crime” of interracial marriage. 

Mildred Loving and her husband Richard P Loving are shown in this January 26, 1965 file photograph

The Lovings were prosecuted by the state and sentenced to a year in prison for their “crime” but allowed to leave Virginia in exile.  

They lived in exile, separated from their families and banished from the home state they loved, for five years and finally grew tired of the fact that they couldn’t live as a married couple in any state they wanted to live. They decided to fight back and in June of 1967, nine years to the month that they were married, in a landmark Supreme Court case they eventually won the right to live and live in marital bliss anywhere in the United States.     

Thankfully, I’m feeling some kinda way about that, too.

Richard and Mildred Loving - Love transcends race

Trump’s statement struck a nerve in me because it made me painfully aware of the fact that racism – whether inherent, overt or covert, real or imagined, never seems to be far from the surface. I’m grateful for the advances that have been made, yet I’m mindful of the fact that 1967 was only 44 years ago.

Yesterday (April 15, 2011) the world premiere of  The Loving Story, a documentary telling the story of Richard and Mildred, debuted at the 13th annual Full Frame Festival in Durham, NC.   

 Though the documentary tells the Lovings’ story of forbidden and what-was-then-illegal interracial love, it also explores the heavier themes of miscegenation and racism.

[Sidenote: Get ready for it (and go ahead and get over it): Those are themes we’ll discuss in upcoming blog posts. You have Donald Trump to thank for that – I had originally intended to keep this blog pretty light but his statement really made me feel some kinda way. Those posts will be lovingly submitted, of course.]

 The Loving’s story had a bittersweet ending. In 1975, 17 years after their marriage, Mildred Loving lost her husband Richard in a tragic car accident. Mildred died in 2008 but she never remarried, and in a statement issued on the 4oth anniversary of the historic Supreme Court decision (June 12, 2007 – the year before she died) she declared:

Richard and Mildred Loving - Reflecting a more perfect union

“ . . . not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the ‘wrong kind of person’ for me to marry.”

Today I thank God for Richard and Mildred Loving, and for them having a love for one another that transcended the climate and laws of their day. I thank God I live in a country where, like Mildred, I can freely choose the person I believe is the right person for me to marry. And, like Mildred, not a day goes by that I don’t think of SM and our love, our right to marry, and how much it means to me to have the freedom to marry the person most precious to me.

I like to think that God lovingly submitted SM to me – and me to him.

Join in the fray:

What has been “lovingly submitted” to you?


From the Mailbag . . . LDR Tips

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I recently received this question about LDR’s (long distance relationships) via e-mail:

Hello! I  have a question. I am dealing with someone seriously. Of course she is long distance LOL!! However it’s been about 3 or 4 months now. I’m getting tired of the LD thing. I want her close! My question: What are you guys doing to maintain your relationship considering it is LD also?

My response:

Hey Reader,

Thanks so much for your question.

I have to admit that besides the distance, the corresponding major bummer about LD relationships is the fact that they are EXPENSIVE. When SM and I started dating we committed to trying to see each other at least once a month. However, with our work schedules it averaged to about once every 3 – 4 weeks.

I know that may be financially beyond the reach of most people but we still had to maintain the relationship in-between trips. So, we IM’d practically every day when I was at work, did the web cam thing at least once/twice a week in the evenings (as time/schedules/school permitted), texted each other frequently, and also did our best to talk on the phone at least once a day – even if it was only for 5 – 10 minutes. We figured out our own rhythm – it was easier for him to call me on his way to work in the AM; it was easier for me to call him when I went to lunch or was driving to class.

I’d say the main thing that keeps things together is COMMITMENT, FLEXIBILITY, and TRUST. We are committed to our relationship and making things work, so we are both willing to make any necessary sacrifices. That’s where flexibility comes in – sometimes his case load is extra heavy or he has hard deadlines, so I know I have to be content with a text message or quick IM versus a full-fledged phone call. He has to do the same; when my school schedule is poppin’ and I have a major assignment due, he contents himself with IM’s when I take a break, or texting (and maybe a quick convo when I make a Starbucks run). Trust comes into play when we simply believe each other when we say we’re doing whatever it is we’re doing – and we know each other’s schedules so well we don’t even concern ourselves with the thought that any hanky panky is going on.

Another thing we do (it may seem corny, but it’s really fun and we enjoy it) is take pictures on our cell phones of different things and send them to each other. It can range from anything like the rain falling outside, to a pizza slice, or a meal one of us has cooked that day. We also send each other e-mail links to articles we think the other may be interested in. Another thing we did was each get a subscription to Hallmark and American Greetings online so that we could send each other e-cards.

I personally think that LD relationships can be stronger than in-town relationships simply because you have to work harder at them – so you don’t take each other for granted. I also think it makes you more creative, and you think of ways of sharing your life with the other person simply because they are not right there.

Hope this helps!

Join in the fray:

Long distance relationships – a go or a no?

The Hair Thing (Part 2)

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So in my last blog I discussed the cultural differences in men’s preferences in sporting facial hair. In American Men and Identity: Contemporary African-American and Latino Style López-Gydosh and Hancock (2009) stress the importance of hair, beards, and mustaches to men in both African American and Latino cultures. SM was willing to grow a mustache and beard to let me see what he looked like (GOR-GEOUS!!!!). He didn’t mind growing it, but beards and mustaches are not conducive to his professional environment. Even though I totally understood, I was a little bummed that he’d have to cut his beard at a moment’s notice.

Once I began investigating and recognizing the intrinsic influence culture wields on an individual’s thinking and preferences, I better understood why I thought a man’s facial hair made him more desirable or even sexy. Lesson learned. SM and I are now more attuned to what we call “culturalisms.” We’re having fun learning even more about each other (and ourselves) as we discover and identify the culturalisms that influence our thinking.

So, on to the million-dollar question:

What does SM think of my hair???

Well, fortunately for SM (and me) I have no facial hair!

[Sidebar: I am FDLOL! Come on, you should have known that was coming! Corny? Of course!]

For those readers who may be unaware, natural hair is undergoing a renaissance among Black women. A Black woman’s hair is considered “natural” when she adds no chemicals to change the texture. In other words, she leaves it the way it grows out of her scalp  – be it fine, thick, kinky, coiled, curly, dense – you name it. Generally speaking, White women use a “perm” to make their straight hair curly. Conversely, Black women use a “perm” to make their curly or kinky hair straight.

Now, when it comes to a Black woman, wearing your hair natural doesn’t necessarily mean you have to sport an afro. Au contraire! Those same fine, thick, kinky, coiled, curly, dense textures provide us a vast range of hair styles we can wear based on an equally vast range of styling techniques. Braid-outs, twist-outs, knot-outs, puffs, coils, curls, and locs abound – and those are just a FEW of the available styles!

In other words, I can wear my fine, naturally curly, shoulder length hair blown out and flat-ironed one day, and in a curly twist-out the next day. When I asked SM what he liked and even preferred, he said,

“Oh, I like your hair straight, but I really like your hair curly.”

[Sidebar: Yes, he put special emphasis on the “really.”]

SM smirking

SM not only likes the way it looks, more important, he says he likes the way I act and seem to feel when I wear my hair in its natural, curly state. He says that I seem more relaxed and carefree. He says he also notices changes in my clothes, jewelry, and makeup.

[Really???]

According to SM, when I wear my hair curly I also use very minimal makeup (except for bright lipstick) and wear brighter colored clothing coupled with bolder, funkier pieces of jewelry.

“When your hair is curly you have more ‘swag,’” he says. “And I LOVE it!”

[More “swag?” Really????]

I thought about what he said, and came to the conclusion that he’s right. I know I have a more “take me as I am” attitude when I’m in my natural, curly glory. (And it helps that I don’t have to worry about the humidity level or whether it’s raining outside – the more moisture in the air, the curlier I get).  Wearing my hair curly also makes me feel a bit more “Afrocentirc,” if you will, hence the bolder, funkier jewelry and brighter colors. Is this a result of cultural influences? Perhaps. I think mainly it’s more a sense of feeling freer to be myself and express my personality.

I also believe when I say “more Afrocentric” what I really mean is more “me-centric.” Hence, what I learned from the whole Part 1/Part 2 hair thing is that SM and I each enjoy each other’s looks in surprising ways and for different reasons. Ultimately, we support each other in the expression of our cultures and who we are individually, whether we’re mustached or clean-shaven, straight or curly. Our hair thing works in our favor – and that’s what counts.

Reference

López-Gydosh, D., & Hancock, J. (2009). American men and identity: Contemporary African-American and Latino style. The Journal of American Culture, 32(1), 16+. Retrieved from Questia database: http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5035416077

Join in the fray:

Curly or straight? Tell me about your hairy situation!

Sorry for the Delay . . . .

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I want to apologize to my loyal readers! I hung out with my Mom all weekend and started a new job today, so I’m BEHIND on the blog. You’ll get a 2-fer this week! Thanks for your support (and hopefully your understanding)!