questions Archives - The Swirl World

We often receive questions sent via email to our inboxes on Facebook and our blog email addresses.

Adrienne has taken up the bulk of this part of our work (bless her!). Her usual method has been to respond privately (oftentimes going back and forth, diving deep into responses and even following up with phone calls).

This year, we’re going to start sharing some of the emails we receive, and we’ll respond either here on the blog or via our podcast.

And yes, as women we can be very good at helping each other to figure things out.

Even so, some questions require a man’s take on an issue – and a man’s response.

Enter David Leach.

For some of the questions (and for this one), Adrienne’s husband David is going to give his take and provide his response.

WOOT!

Here’s our first question for 2015:

Hey.

I’m in my first interracial relationship at 44, he’s 57 and I’m not his first. It took some time for me to be open to loving him, which I do and we are great together. There are no non-Black people in my family, never have been. However, I’ve proudly introduced him to them. My issue is he will not bring me to his family functions. His father was in town for a week and my “friend” confirmed that if I were white I’d have been invited to meet the dad and mother, who lives here. He said he didn’t want to disappoint his father. Ouch.

Today, after I told him how much I was hurt the last time, he did it again. I cried the first time. I’ve never had anyone treat me like an embarrassment or someone to be ashamed of. I’m trying to not exaggerate the circumstances, but he’s almost 60. Yes he says he loves me. And let me also add I’ve been introduced to his brother and cousin and a couple of friends. Am I being too sensitive? Or am I reading this in historical accuracy that having a Black woman on the side, yet not out in the open is the situation I am in?

I told him I need a couple of days to think.

I’d appreciate your opinion.

Thank you,

David’s response:

Hi TL,

You are not being too sensitive. Men (and I use that term lightly in this instance) like this make me very angry. I’m approximately the same age as he is and I can’t fathom being afraid of what my parents would think about any decision I made. This man is clearly not in love with you or even interested in a serious, committed relationship. Otherwise, he would be PROUD to introduce you to his parents. In fact, he would want the whole world to know he loves you. The fact that he refuses to take the basic step of introducing you to his parents speaks volumes. Furthermore, he has already demonstrated that your feelings in this matter are unimportant to him. I can’t imagine being with someone who is ashamed or embarrassed of me simply because of my skin color. You need to seriously ask yourself if you are willing to continue a relationship with someone like this. If he has not grown a spine and a set of balls by age 57, he never will. I personally believe that you can do better than this spineless jellyfish.

TL, you know what they say about a word to the wise . . . . Be sure to send us a follow-up email to let us know what you decided.

If you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences, feel free to leave them in the comments below.

Have a question? Send it to Adrienne at INeedMySay@gmail.com or me ASwirlGirl@TheSwirlWorld.com.

Last Monday we enjoyed a veritable feast for the eyes with the “Men From Down Under” – Australian men who make our hearts skip a beat and send us ladies on mental trips to Fantasy Island.

We introduced you to our own Michael Miocevich (pronounced My-oh-see-vitch). Mike lives in Western Australia and cheerfully agreed to serve as our guide to Swirling in Australia.

(He also agreed to give us a first-hand view into the male mind. Think about it: Who better than a man to tell us how a man thinks??)

In addition to being an all-around good sport Mike is a writer and blogger. If you love delightful prose and poetry (yes, he writes poetry!) check out his blog here.

We put the call out for questions and started receiving immediate responses.

This week’s questions are from Chongo, one of our fans in The Swirl World on Facebook.

NOTE: Chongo’s questions (in red) and Mike’s responses (in blue) are unedited.

Hi TSW!

Happy Thanksgiving.

My name’s Chongo (Chit) and I’ve been reading your blog and FB page for months (about a year). I’ve been interested in interracial dating & relationships since primary school when my first crush was a cute soft-spoken white boy called Michael. I like men of all races and nationalities and your page is a great space for eye candy, articles and normalising love across colour lines. So thank you for this amazing space – it is serious, fun and everything in between and outside.

I read about your ‘Mondays with Mike’ from the blog and I’m sending in my questions.

Hello Mike, thanks for enabling this form of interaction. Here are my questions:

1. Do your family and friends know about your attraction to black women? If affirmative, what was their reaction? Does their reaction (positive or negative) matter to you?

Hi Chongo, great to make your acquaintance!

Here are the answers to your questions; as good as I can make them.

1 – A few of my friends know, as I have told them, but my family I haven’t. This is not because I am afraid nor ashamed of liking who I like, it’s just that my parents and siblings made things incredibly awkward for me when I was growing up. Any hint of liking a girl meant that they couldn’t help but blurt it out to her while I was standing there, making me go bright red and both of us feel awkward. Another reason is that my siblings have had complicated relationships with the people they went out with (and married) over the years, and a lot of that drama that happened was played out in front of the family. I prefer to keep my relationships close to my heart. In the end it’s myself and the person I am with who matter, not the opinions of anyone else.

These days I think my relatives would likely say “about time!” if I showed up to a family gathering with a girl, and I very much doubt they would care what ethnicity she was. If they had a negative reaction I would be upset, because they wouldn’t be the people I thought they were. However, I don’t think this will be a problem. I’d also let my family know to mind their P’s and Q’s if I were to bring anyone along, regardless of where she was from. I am sure my siblings would give me those kind of knowing looks about the fact I had introduced someone to them, and possibly pull dumb faces and go ‘ooooo-oooh!” when I was near them, but I think they’d get over it I suspect they’ve been waiting a long time to hassle me about such things and are going to take every opportunity to make me uncomfortable about having a girlfriend there as much as possible, but that’s the price the youngest in the family usually has to pay.

2. What’s your greatest curiosity about black women (bearing in mind we are not a monolith) or what is the one thing you are most curious about vis-a-vis black women?

2 – An interesting question, and I hope my answer doesn’t come off as pandering or trite. I wonder why some men from different ethnic groups don’t appreciate black women for the wonderful jewels they are. I can’t fathom it myself. I’ve been talking to Michelle, and she has linked me to the song by the Doors called “Hello”, which Jim Morrison wrote after seeing an incredibly gorgeous black woman, but not having the confidence to talk to her. He says as much in the lines “Do you hope to make her see, you fool? Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel?” I have lived far too long in that mindset, thinking that black women did not want anything to do with white guys (mostly misinformed by TV, movies and music I have to say), but broke the habit some time ago. I guess perhaps a lot of the guys have the same hang-ups I had, in as much as they think they’ll be rebuffed instantly. A lot of the time guys are shy in approaching anyone, but I do hope in the future men of all groups will take the chance and be accepted in return. I’d love to see more of that.

3. What is your idea of a fun date?

3 – I’d love to spend an day in a place where lots of art and creativity is on display, with all kinds of artists showcasing their talents. Take brunch or lunch at a nice restaurant and discuss what has been seen, and the general small talk about anything which is so fun to have. In the afternoon watch a live band, take in a play or an enjoyable movie, or be content to wander amongst trees and nature in a park. As the sun goes down find a spot for a picnic and toast the last rays of the sun as they disappear over the horizon, and be graced with a wonderful display of colour with the sunset. At night a moonlit walk along the beach holding hands, combined with acting the fool in the low surf as it hits the shore, and a dreamy kiss under the stars. That would be a good day. A very good day.

And there you have it, folks – straight from the mouth of our man Mike in Australia. Special thanks to TSW fan Chonogo for submitting those questions.

Got questions for Mike? Send them to us via inbox on Facebook or email them to ASwirlGirl@TheSwirlWorld.com.