soul mate Archives - The Swirl World

Happy Valentine’s Day, Swirlers!

I’ve been busy celebrating my favorite holiday and preparing for an out-of-town getaway.

Whether you’re single or boo-ed up, I trust that you love YOU and you’re making this an awesome day.

As a special treat we’re featuring another installment from our resident Swirlers Gene-Leigh and Seth Wheeler.

Today, Gene-Leigh discusses how she opened her mind and heart – and met the love of her life. Happy Reading!

How I Came to Swirl

It’s funny what you learn about yourself when you are willing to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. If someone would have told me 14 years ago that my husband would be a White punk rocker from a little hick town, I’d have labeled them insane and called for a psychological evaluation. Before my husband, I’d never dated outside of my race – so the experience was completely foreign, and I was a bit on edge. I’d explicitly gone out of my way to push away ALL non-Black men in an effort to remain true to my heritage. It was only as I grew in myself, and realized that I was hurting my chances of having a long-lasting relationship did I open my mind to an alternate point of view.

A Man – or a MATE?

I’ve dated Black men. Quite a few Black men, as a matter of fact. While each man had attributes that made them good men, they also had attributes that made them bad MATES. DISCLAIMER: I am NOT in ANY WAY bashing Black men–that would be generalizing a group of people based on the actions of a few (aside from the fact that my brother is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever known in my entire life). In these relationships in my early to mid-20s however, I was subjecting myself to unnecessary abuses to stay “within my race.” How many potentially good relationships did I miss out on because the men who approached me were the “wrong” color? I’ll never know. This isn’t to say that men of all creeds, colors, and races don’t come with baggage and problems (y’all know that Halle Berry went THROUGH IT with Gabriel Aubry) but to limit ourselves to only Black men because we feel we are doing our race an injustice is ludicrous, to say the least.

Seth and Swirling

Seth, on the other hand, has known he’s had a bit of a streak for Black women since he was a LITTLE BOY. Younger than 10, by the stories he’s told me. He remembers being a kid, and watching television shows such as The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and (gasp) Saved by the Bell, and being attracted to the Black leading ladies as well as their White counterparts.

His issue was that as a result of living in such a small cloistered community (only about 1,000 or so people) there weren’t very many opportunities for swirling, so he dated White women instead. Now don’t get me wrong—-my husband LOVES women no matter what color they are, and that’s what makes him so awesome. Surprisingly, he’d only dated one other Black woman aside from me before we met, and while the two of them got along well, her family would have been less than accepting of her choice to date and potentially marry someone who wasn’t Black. This girl eventually moved out of the area, and it crushed him, because he really liked her.

Well . . . her loss. Seth doesn’t see me as a “Black woman,” he sees me as someone who is loving, caring, supportive, and beautiful. The fact that I am Black is secondary to him which makes for interesting conversations with people who have never met me. Imagine their surprise when he shows off our wedding pictures!

Just Know that Men are Men

SN: As I’m sitting cross-legged on our bed typing this entry, Seth is hollering from our master bathroom about a plumber’s wrench he can’t find:

Seth: Dammit, do you know where that wrench is?

Me (typing): Seth I have no idea . . . .

(A few minutes of silence go by peppered only by my fingers tapping away merrily on the laptop. . . .)

Seth: Gene, hello?

Me (starting to get annoyed): No Seth, I don’t know where it is.

Seth (getting annoyed right along with me): GENE, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE WRENCH IS???

Me (at the top of my lungs): NO! I SAID NO TWICE, CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME???? GOOD LORD!!!

See? Men are men no matter what the color—-they hear what they want, they want their tools, and they don’t listen J)

Seth, a MRI technologist, and Gene-Leigh, a family therapist, live in Pittsburgh, Pa. The couple describes themselves as “Two of the most down-to-earth folks you will ever meet although we are both a bit nutty.”

Stay tuned for more adventures from this lovely Swirl Couple!

Join in the Fray: Why do you Swirl?

If you believe in magic, come along with me
We’ll dance until morning ’til there’s just you and me
And maybe, if the music is right
I’ll meet you tomorrow, sort of late at night
And we’ll go dancing, baby, then you’ll see
How the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me . . . .

~John Sebastian of The Lovin’ Spoonful

This past weekend I had the occasion to participate in a girl’s weekend with a couple of good friends (I’ll call them *Shay and *Rochelle). We commiserated on life, love, and relationships all within the context of growing older and wiser.

Our discussion of relationships was a big part of the conversation.

“Do you believe in soul mates?” Rochelle asked.

She and Shay had already discussed the concept but she wanted my take on the matter.

“Define ‘soul mate’” I said cautiously. “I just want to be sure we’re on the same page.”

Rochelle went on to ask, “Do you believe that in this entire world, with all the people in it, that there is one person who is totally and completely right for you? Not that you and he would have never not have any problems if you got together, because some things are just a part of life – but do you believe that out of all the people in the world, you’re supposed to be with him and he’s supposed to be with you – and that’s what makes him your soul mate?”

This definition was pretty much what I’d expected. Of course I’ve had this conversation dozens of times over the course of my life, and I marveled at the difference in what I believed when I was a mere girl in high school and college, and what I believed now as a widow with some major life drama and trauma under her belt.

“I have to say , no, I don’t believe there’s only one person for you in the whole wide world, and that if you don’t marry him or her then you haven’t married your soul mate “ I said. “I believe, of course, that some people make better marriage partners than others. Even so, given enough time, mutual willingness, and desire, I believe that two people can become soul mates.

I thought some more. “Maybe I’m too pragmatic but I see relationship building as more practical than magical.”

Rochelle gave me great food for thought. She stated that her concept of soul mates is predicated on a principle of “good, better, best.” In other words, a certain man would be good for you; another one would be better, and yet another would be best – and that the best was more than likely your soul mate.

Shay, Rochelle and I kicked around a variety of scenarios, swapped stories regarding people we knew who appeared to be soul mates, and also discussed potential what ifs. When the conversation was all said and done we pretty much agreed that love rests on choices – whether you feel a sense of “magic” or not.

The choice begins with whom you elect to date, and why. I dare say a woman who is unhappy with her present state of circumstances and driven by desperation will make different relationship choices than one who is content with her life and prepared to wait until she finds what she deems suitable companionship.

“Suitable companionship” is subjective on a variety of levels; what is scorned by some is embraced by others. Some believe those who enter the realm of interracial dating fall into the “desperate” category while others classify swirlers as simply being people who are a bit more open-minded in the relationship department.

Whether desperate or content; open or closed-minded; idealistic or pessimistic, I believe that on some level we all believe in the magic of love. By “magic of love” I mean the belief that we will meet and find someone we will love and who will love us back; someone we will be true to and who will be true to us.

We keep hope alive that we will find the person we are willing to be there for in good times and bad, healthy or otherwise; and who will be there for us in the same way. Regardless of the exterior package he or she is wrapped in, that person will be someone with whom we can build a lasting relationship, and with whom we can live our best life.

Yes, I believe in magic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o89iKsKw19M

*Names changed to protect the guilty

Join in the fray:

Do you believe in magic?