This week we bring you Part 2 of Mike’s response to this question from our Facebook page:
“I wonder how Mike feels about women with children? Is that deal breaker? It seemed like his perfect date would be for a women with no children and free time to spend a whole day (not knocking it but I have two boys who come first). I just wonder if this isn’t even considered when looking for a mate . . . Sorry I’m soap boxing :: steps down::”
Last week we shared Part 1 of Mike’s response. It was so thorough we broke it in two parts!
Here in Part 2, Mike tells us if a woman with children is a deal breaker for him:
“I don’t expect to be anyone’s saviour, last best hope, Prince Charming or even Quasimodo for that matter. I am a man with just as many flaws as any other, and I definitely don’t have all the answers. My response could be just as wrong as it is right. But for what it’s worth I think a man, a true man who is honest to himself as much as he is to you should have the fortitude to not lead someone on if he had no intentions of making a commitment. If they constantly focus on the above barriers they see in the relationship, then the chance is that they aren’t ready, no matter how much you might want them to be.
I don’t wish to say all men are going to be like this, as they won’t. Some will though, and I would rather see you prepared than go in blind. If a man wants to be with you but does not care for your kids, that’s a deal breaker. The last thing you’d want is someone who is willing to marry you, but at the expense of excluding the children you already have, especially if the marriage leads to having a child with him who he might favour over the others. That’s not good for you or your children. If you’re honest and open with the guy you meet and let him know that your children are the most important thing to you, and will also need to be important to him, it will help you weed out the non-genuine suitors. They might be Mr. Right in all other ways, but if they aren’t willing to recognise this, they are not right for you.
I think that it would be excellent to show anyone you do date just how good it can be dating someone who already has kids. Kids are great as they don’t varnish their opinions, and are often good judges of character. They’re also fun to hang out with because everything is new and interesting, stories are fun and exciting, and they impart this to the people who share it with them. They’ll say the funniest things at odd moments, and are wonderful to watch growing up, despite the growing pains they all go through, and the difficulties that might arise in looking after them. Some men will really like this and take it as a challenge and new experience, others won’t. It is the way of all relationships I guess.
I hope I haven’t blathered on for too long, nor been completely ignorant of understanding things beyond my scope. As with all men often I am as thick as two short planks, but I do like to learn. I know I will be learning as much if not a multitude more from all of you than any small pieces of wisdom I might impart. I am willing to recognise when I am wrong and in the face of new evidence change my mind. If I say something out of turn or am completely oblivious, please do let me know as it’s the only way we can progress. I love to have a discussion and spirited debate, but I always intend to approach such things with both an open mind and an honest viewpoint.
Thanks for your question, it’s given me much to consider!”
Mike
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Join in the Fray: Is Mike being realistic . . . or unrealistic? Why or why not?
Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, All rights reserved.
Eugenia,
You’re absolutely right, it is far too important an issue to be fake about. Men really need to face up to this one and realise from the get go this isn’t something you go into lightly. By that I don’t mean they shouldn’t go into a relationship with a woman who has children, I just mean they really need to be considerate and not lead her on. Raising kids as a single parent is tough enough. Stringing someone along in addition to that is just mean. And yeah, better to not be with someone who in the end is just going to say “too hard, I only want you not the kids” and leave. Don’t waste your time. This does cause a quandary as it does mean you’ve got to be straight out early on. But the risk if you don’t is being constantly unsure. It’s going to come down to the individual on how to proceed, but I think it’s best to aim for people with good character in such situations. It won’t be easy, but at least you’ll have a better idea if someone is a keeper or merely looking to string you along.
I finished a book last night which said if you have kids, invite the guy over for dinner. Tell your children he is your friend and let him get to know them. Don’t be intimate or kiss in front of them, just play it cool, have a nice time and see him off early. Afterwards ask them what they think of him. Kids are very open about their opinions, and also good at discerning character. Don’t make their decision be your decision, but see what they think. You never know, they might have picked up on something you missed.
And your last point about there being someone for everyone, you’re absolutely right. Even if 99.9% of the worlds population doesn’t want you, that still leaves you more choices than you could possibly imagine. And I don’t believe anyone has a 99.9% ratio against them. In the meantime, take care of yourselves, be loving and accept yourselves, and be loving and honest and open to as many as you can. You’re all wonderful people, you all deserve love, you all have love, and you all will be loved. There is enough to go around, so feel free to share it all 🙂
Cheers!
Mike
I think everyone should be honest about the child question because it’s too important not to be. Nothing is more hurtful than leading on a woman with kids and even the kids when you know you don’t want to actually be bothered. Lots of men don’t find kids a deal breaker but if the guy does don’t feel bad he’s saved you some wasted energy. I also think he’s right don’t hide your kids, when you date women with children you get a package. It’s not a bad package but it’s not a package for everyone. When I dated at 37 yo after the break up of my marriage, I was childless and I didn’t want a man with children. Nothing personal against kids that just was not my desire and I was up front and honest about that. People should be with people that accept them for who they are, no matter what that is. Everybody is not going to want us but someone will, search for that person.