Last week we kicked off our Mondays With Mike series and introduced you to writer and blogger Michael Miocevich (My-oh-see-vitch), a native of Western Australia who is now our guide to Swirling in Australia.
(Mike also lends us his brain and lets us pick it at will).
In his first post Mike received three questions, one of which was to tell his idea of a fun date.
Whelp, Mike’s response generated this follow-up question from a fan on our Facebook page:
“I wonder how Mike feels about women with children? Is that deal breaker? It seemed like his perfect date would be for a women with no children and free time to spend a whole day (not knocking it but I have two boys who come first). I just wonder if this isn’t even considered when looking for a mate . . . Sorry I’m soap boxing :: steps down::”
This is quite a legitimate question, particularly because dating with children is a reality for millions of singles. I forwarded the question to Mike as fast as my little fingers could type it.
So, hmm . . . . Is a baby in Mike’s future?? What followed is Part 1 of his very thoughtful response:
“This can be an interesting but also sometimes a hard topic to talk about. Some men can be rather apprehensive, as often while they can relate to the woman they are dating, they might feel a gulf between them and her children. This is more a psychological barrier than anything. The man doesn’t know exactly what role he should play, and also might worry about the notion that he might be seen as someone who is supplanting the child’s biological father. This can be rather conflicting, and I have seen marriages being broken up early due to the intervention of kids vs their parents new husband/wife. I have seen this both in relationships of divorced men and divorced women, so there is no finger of blame being pointed here. If this is noticed early on, with the children not getting along with the new partner, it really does need to be addressed as soon as possible.
Other times it can be the wrong thought for men that if they were to date a woman who has children from another relationship, that immediately they would be expected to provide for those children as well, when what they want is freedom and fun to develop a relationship with someone who is unattached or has no children. This is a rather selfish way to go through things in life, always wondering what people are trying to get from you. Often the women who these men could date and have children already are quite used to providing for their children, and aren’t expecting their new beau to walk in and be immediately put on the spot for financial help. It would be my hope that if a person did date and fall in love with someone who has children, that they would offer to help out as a gesture of love. It says he cares for you and your children, even though they aren’t his biologically. A man is going to have to face up to this eventually, so if he doesn’t think he can manage it, he’s better off not stringing someone along, thinking that he’ll eventually come around to it.
So where do I stand in all of this? I’m 38, so I am kind of on the fence in regards to starting a family with someone I meet. On the one hand I might have left it too long, as I’d like to be the kind of guy who spends times with his children and is active with them, rather than being too tired after working to do so, and leave them to be raised by the TV. On the other hand, who says that this should be the case? If I were to meet the right person, why couldn’t my life be structured to have a decent job, but time available to spend with my wife and children? These are questions that can really only be properly sorted out once I have met that special person who is right for me. It’s got to be a joint decision. Trying to plan out things exactly how you want them to happen is an exercise in futility. Better to have broad plans that move you forward and are able to accommodate any curve balls thrown your way.
As for dating women who already have children, I don’t see why not! If we are lucky enough to make a connection with someone who excites us, challenges us, is great to be with and who you don’t know if you could be without, I don’t see why them having children would be such a barrier to having a relationship with them. The above preconception is something a lot of people automatically make as they have no experience of such situations. I would be prone to them myself as I have only dated women who were previously single and without children. To be honest perhaps I was too limited in my view of what a fun date would be because of it. Another limitation is that my place isn’t that huge, so dating a woman who has children and is looking to emigrate to Australia might be a touch difficult as I don’t have a lot of space for more than one other person. This is likely to be something which changes in the future, but at the moment it is likely to be a factor. However, as with all things, any problems will have a solution.
In which case a date with a women who has children might involve a day at the museum (the American Museum of Natural History is absolutely fantastic and I could have spent days there when I was in NYC) or a visit to a park for a picnic. If we go to a park I am going to have to pack a cricket bat and ball so we can have a hit before lunch (yes, I am going to hold on to my Australian sporting identity darnit!). A nice lunch and a walk around the park while the kids go roughhousing nearby. Pack it all up and head to the movies (at a cinema or at home) for something light-hearted and pants-wettingly funny, or even do so at home on the couch. If I have been dating the woman for some time, then reading the kids a story before bedtime, or even make up one of my own for them would be really cool. Then the rest of the evening can be spent talking and being together on the couch, conversations of everything and nothing, and sweet kisses before parting.”
Stay tuned for Part 2, where Mike gives us insight into what a man thinks when he considers dating a woman with children.
Got questions for Mike? Send them to us via inbox on Facebook or email them to ASwirlGirl@TheSwirlWorld.com.
Follow Mike on Twitter @500and50, read his blog at 500and50.com, or message him on Facebook.
Join in the Fray: What are your thoughts on dating someone with children?
Copyright © 2013 Michelle Matthews Calloway, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, All rights reserved.
You’re absolutely correct. My cousin’s second marriage was ended pretty much by the intervention of his daughters. I think he’s given them the hard word for his current one. And I also agree that you’re spot on in regards to planning things out between the couple, and including the kids as much as is necessary.
I think if you love the woman, you’re going to need to love or at the very least care for her kids as well. It’s a package deal, I wouldn’t feel comfortable in asking a woman to separate her heart off by ostracising her own children. It’s just not done.
I am going to go check out that song now, I am intrigued! Thanks again and sorry for the delayed reply!
Mike
Chongo,
You’re absolutely right. In addition to discussing ahead of time the particulars of how the children will be raised, etc., I believe the two adults should present a united front to the children. If any of the particulars need to change for some reason, the preset agreements should be revisited and new terms agreed-on by BOTH parties. Seems the “my children” and “your children” thing is a recipe for disaster! Children are already very good at divide and conquer – what chance do the parents have if they start out divided???
Something I’ve learned by experience when dealing with a man who has children is to answer the question: Who’s in charge??? Who’s really running the show? If the kids are ruling the roost, I advise any woman to run in the opposite direction as fast as her feet will carry her.
Last sentence should read: “…it doesn’t have to be”
Aussies and their cricket!
I knew a couple in my hometown while I was growing up, they decided to marry and both had children from previous relationships. They agreed that each would take care of their own children in terms of school fees, discipline, general welfare etc. The arrangement did little to unite the two families and fanned animosity between the children keeping both sets of children divided.
My aunt and her husband also had children each from previous relationships. When they married, her husband took over and was responsible for her children and she took over mothering his children. Their arrangement worked out for them.
I think when both parties to a relationship are open minded, discuss and develop a plan and prepare for an alternative course if that plan fails, then it makes things somewhat easier – at least this is what I’ve noticed from the experiences of family and friends. Also, children should be included in the process, to the extent possible and assisted with the adjustment process.
In an ideal world, when you love someone, you should love or at least care about their children (from a previous relationship) and work out an arrangement about responsibility for and involvement in the children’s lives – an arrangement that suits all parties. This reminds me of a 90s R&B song entitled ‘I love you both’ by Sam Salter in one of the verses, he talks about accepting and loving the child of a woman he says he’s in love with. Of course real life is far more complicated and few circumstances are ideal.
People often treat the presence of children as a deal breaker, it doesn’t have be.