So, last week we introduced you to millennials Angelique Evette Long and Jonathan Gamel and our new, He Says, She Says feature.
Each week, we’re going to pose the same question to this couple.
Our purpose is to glean some insight not only into the male and female perspective on the same question but more important, from the perspective of a Black woman and a White man involved in an interracial relationship.
Keep reading – you’ll see they’re not shy about giving their opinion!
Today, Angel and Jonathan respond to the question:
Black women get a LOT of flak from seemingly all sides in relation to their dating practices. What are they doing right when it comes to dating?
I really don’t believe that there is a quintessential “right” or “wrong” way to go about dating in general. Each individual has a background that is just as unique as they are. So I believe that putting a “right” or “wrong” label on someone’s approach at dating would be unfair. Instead, I would prefer to use “misguided” rather than “wrong.”
Society today puts so much pressure on young women to be the perfect shape, size, and color. For example, in a lot of ways society praises the half-naked, slim physique, lighter skinned woman; while also not shunning, but not fully accepting a professionally dressed, full-figured, darker skinned woman as equally attractive in most cases.
So many beautiful young women are being broken by society’s standards. If a woman does not feel confident and worthy within herself, how can she possibly approach dating in a healthy manner, with a positive outlook? In my opinion, this is what leads to extreme promiscuity, self-exploitation via social media, and self-harm.
The lack of confidence and self-worth caused by not fitting into what society calls “attractive” is, in my opinion, the reason why there are so many
females that feel like they’re doing it “wrong.”
On the other side of the equation, we have the women that society praises for their looks. I believe this causes an overly confident belief system. Society, in general, is teaching this set of women something totally different from what they are teaching the others.
For example, they are taught that they are “better” because of their body shape, skin color, or the way they dress themselves (or the lack thereof). Although these women are being praised, they are still being broken by the same system.
Each set of women is being played against the other for various reasons. On one hand, you have a broken young woman who has always been told
she wasn’t “good enough.” She will almost always lack the skills necessary to approach dating in a positive, confident manner. This can cause her to do things out of her character in hopes of attracting a man.
Unknowingly, the same things catching the attention of potential temporary suitors are also the exact things that may deter a potential long-term partner.
Meanwhile, on the other hand, you have an equally broken young woman because she was always told that she was “better.” She will almost always lack the skills necessary to approach dating in a realistic, humble manner. This can cause her to be overly confident, and have an exaggerated self-appraisal. This exaggerated sense of self-appraisal will deter potential long-term partners because she believes that nothing is ever good enough for her, in various aspects of life.
Both sets of women are equally broken by the same system! They have been “misguided” from adolescence. The actions that they take are not
“wrong” because that is what they have been taught by society. Yet, they are extremely misguided.
This doesn’t just work for different physical appearances; it can be attributed to many other aspects of a young woman’s life. I don’t believe a person can be considered “wrong” for doing what the world around them has taught them to do.
Ultimately, you have to be yourself and do what is right for you. Keep your head held high and remember; love yourself first!
She Says: Angel
Answer to Question 1:
When it comes to what Black women and women in general, are doing “right” in the sense of dating, I believe it’s definitely being confident; knowing who you are and owning it.
You have to know your worth so you won’t keep dating the wrong men.
Also, do some serious introspection. If there are characteristics that you feel are unhealthy for yourself and other people, then change those things in order to be a better YOU; not just because you want to be liked and accepted by someone else.
Men love a confident woman; they see it like this: “If a woman can love herself this much, I can imagine the love she has to offer me!”
Question 1 – Part 2
As far as what women are doing “wrong” when it comes to dating, I would have to say not loving yourself. I say this because when you truly love yourself, you value your mind, body, and soul. Therefore, you do what is necessary to keep those things healthy. When you do that, you will naturally be attractive to men.
Think about what most men want from a woman: intelligence, well-kept, confident, and classy. Not to offend anyone at all, but I don’t believe a good man is looking to date a woman who shows off her body inappropriately on social media and to the public, or a woman who is giving her body to multiple men at one time.
So reverting back to what I said, when you love yourself you value yourself.
I know many women may be thinking, “Well, I am very confident and I always carry myself like a lady, yet I still cannot find a man!”
I want to let these women know that they should not be discouraged; and by all means, never degrade yourself to catch the attention of a man. When the time is right, your Prince Charming will come and sweep you off of your feet! Just be patient; it will be worth the wait, trust me.
Join In The Fray: Got a question for Angel and Jonathan? Send it c/o ASwirlGirl@TheSwirlWorl.com.
See you next time!
Copyright ©2016 Michelle Matthews Calloway, The Swirl World™ LLC, ASwirlGirl™, The Swirl World™, The Swirl World Podcast™, The Swirl World Inspiration Daily™, Swirl Nation™, All rights reserved. Photos used with permission.