I acknowledge that here in The Swirl World we promote Black women being open to the experience of dating and entering into relationships with men of different races. Nevertheless, this topic can be applied to all women, all races no matter the “flavor” of your relationship.
Like most of you I often find myself scrolling through the comments on the TSW Facebook page to catch up on what’s going on in our community. Recently I’ve noticed quite a few women commenting on the topic of having trouble meeting men. I want to take the opportunity to address this topic and share with you what I’ve discovered.
The Frustration Is Real . . . .
A few months ago an associate of mine (let’s call her “Jade”) shared with me her frustration regarding her inability to meet men. Jade was so frustrated in fact, she vowed to resign herself from the “dating world” altogether.
Jade had convinced herself that all men found her to be intimidating. Personally I thought this was a pretty dramatic assumption on her part, and believed there was probably more to Jade’s dilemma than she was willing to admit.
Allow me to give you a bit of background: Jade is a single, successful, attractive, active woman in her 50’s who takes great care of herself. All of the elements of attracting eligible men right? I thought so too.
Jade and I would get together for dinner or drinks from time to time when our schedules permitted. But it wasn’t until after she mentioned all men found her to be intimidating that I decided to take on the role as an observer versus participant during our next outing. I wanted to see if there was some truth to Jade’s claims.
. . . Or Is It?
It was very obvious to me there wasn’t a shortage of men cutting their eyes at Jade from across the room. But what was even more obvious to me was Jade’s stoic face. There was the absence of an inviting smile, warm eye contact and all those things that say “Hi, I’m welcoming, I’m approachable, and I’m interested.” In fact Jade was giving off a “What are you looking at? Don’t come near me? Don’t talk to me” vibe – and she was doing this unintentionally.
Right – But Wrong!
So I came to the conclusion that Jade was right, men were intimidated by her … but she was also wrong because men were not intimidated for the reasons she had assumed.
I know you’re thinking that doesn’t make sense, so let me explain.
Intimidating . . . or Inviting?
To “intimidate” someone is to frighten them. So I ask you, would a successful, confident man be frightened by an attractive, successful woman who smiles when she walks into a room and greets a handsome stranger with a warm “Hello?” Chances are he wouldn’t be!
But if that same attractive, successful woman has an intimidating presence about her (i.e. a cold persona, uninviting glare, stoic face) then chances are men will be less likely to approach her.
So after some much-needed self-evaluation Jade realized that her own behavior was causing her to have trouble meeting men.
Are You Having Trouble Meeting Men?
I propose that if you find you can relate to Jade’s situation take some time to conduct your own self-evaluation and be honest with yourself.
What type of signals am I giving off?
When I enter a room, am I wearing a smile that draws them in – or a scowl that has them running for the exits?
Hit me up in the comments and let me know!
Rachel Robinson is a Human Resources executive whose job requires extensive travel. She’s The Swirl World’s newest contributor, so stay tuned for articles on travel, lifestyle, careers – and whatever strikes her fancy!
Want to ask Rachel a question, or have some ideas for future posts? Email her at Rachel@TheSwirlWorld.com.